Boners

Boner Candidates November 4th, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: LET THEM HAVE TAMPONS AND THE NEXT THING THEY’LL WANT IS CAVIAR AND CHAMPAGNE

The woman who says she was told she could not buy tampons on a Work and Income food card because they were considered “luxury items” says she was told she would have to instead apply for a separate grant which she would have to later repay if she needed items such as tampons. The woman, who did not want to be named, said she applied for a food grant about six weeks ago after her benefit payments were disrupted during the transition from the Sickness Benefit to the Jobseeker’s Benefit under new welfare benefit categories. Her case manager at the Queen Street Work and Income office had told her the payment card the grant was loaded onto could only be used for basic food just as meat and vegetables. She had asked whether tampons or sanitary pads would be covered. “His response was that they were considered as luxury items and I couldn’t use the food payment card for them.” She said she was told if she needed such personal hygiene items, she would need to apply for a separate grant which would have to be repaid.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE

A Provo High School wrestler has been charged with multiple counts of first-degree felony aggravated kidnapping and other charges on allegations that he and another wrestler pinned down and sexually assaulted their teammates as part of a hazing rite. In charges filed Tuesday, investigators wrote that an 18­year­old wrestler held two of his teammates down on the ground while a 17­year­old wrestler placed his exposed buttocks on their faces. The first victim, 16, escaped “before the sexual touching occurred,” the charges state. However, the second victim, 15, did not escape and the two defendants assaulted him twice within 15 minutes, police wrote. The 18­year­old was charged in 4th District Court with three first­degree felony counts of aggravated kidnapping, two second­degree felony counts of forcible sexual abuse, third­degree felony attempted forcible sexual abuse and three misdemeanor counts of hazing.

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Boner Candidate #3: PLANNED PARENTHOOD PROMOTES BESTIALITY

Anti-choice activist Carol Everett, who is just an absolute treasure, appeared on “The Alan Colmes Show” to have a chat about her peculiar theory that people having multiple sex partners is just like rape. Now, if you thought it could not possibly get more ridiculous than that – or her other claim that Planned Parenthood teaches “sodomy” to five year olds – you would be wrong. You see, in this interview, Carol Everett insists that Planned Parenthood is out to convince teenagers to engage in bestiality. For real. In fact, she told Alan Colmes that this goal is right there, “in black and white and color,” on their website.

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