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Boner Preview Candidates for August 31, 2015

Boner Preview Candidate #1: WAIT. DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE?

A reporter in Colorado was treated to a delightful voicemail this week from a sheriff’s deputy, who has thoughts on her breasts, face, body, and accent. The one thing he lacks — the only thing, really — is a basic understanding about how to hang up his phone so he doesn’t leave accidental messages. And now here we all are, together, having a learning experience. Chase Olivarius-McAllister is a reporter with The Durango Herald, a daily newspaper in Colorado. She is British and American and grew up in London. The relevance of that factoid will become evident in a moment here. Olivarius-McAllister tells Jezebel that she called the La Plata County Sheriff’s Office a few weekends ago to get some routine crime statistics. Deputy Sergeant Zach Farnam called her back, leaving her a voicemail that includes about ten seconds of actual message meant for her ears. That was followed by ten seconds or so of highly embarrassing baby talk with a dog in the office, and then, well, it gets worse.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: BLESSINGS CAN BE EXPENSIVE.

Vancouver Police say there may be more victims of a blessing scam or evil spirit scam that has robbed people of significant amounts of cash and jewellery. Three women have now been arrested in connection with the scam, which came under investigation on July 8. The Vancouver Police Financial Crime Unit began the investigation into a group of women believed to be involved in the scam, which typically targets elderly Asian women. Victims are approached on the street by members of the group, who convince them that an evil spirit is following them and will harm members of their family unless a blessing ceremony is performed to remove the spirit. The “ceremony” requires the victim to place all their money and jewellery in a bag to be blessed. When the bag is given back to the victim, they are instructed not to open it for several days and not to tell family members. When the bag is finally opened, it is empty and the suspects are long gone. Police say similar scams were reported in 2013 and they issued warnings and arrested several people. Four victims have come forward in these most recent incidents, and each has reported being defrauded out of $10,000 to $20,000 in money and jewellery.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: I WAS ON MY WAY HOME TO TAKE A BATH WHEN THIS HAPPENED.

A man was jailed by police who thought they found crystal meth in his car. He was imprisoned for four months while the ‘meth’ was subjected to forensic tests. It wasn’t methylamphetamine, it was salt. Epsom salt, to be exact. Charges were dropped and the man, from Queensland, Australia, was freed. His lawyer, Travis George claims the lengthy detention period was probably due to his client’s previous convictions. Queensland’s Health, Forensic and Scientific Services have faced a backlash after alleged delays in the return of forensic tests – which are often vital to trials. John Smith, a magistrate from Maryborough in Queensland, said: ‘For the last 14 years nothing has been done [about delays]. Once again the government needs to have a look at what they are doing in relation to this.’

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: THE WAR ON CHRISTIANITY

Kim Davis, the Rowan County, Kentucky clerk who has received international attention for defying the U.S. Supreme Court, is still refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples today, more than two months after the high court’s historic ruling in Obergefell. This, even after the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling denying Davis a stay as she fights gay couples suing her for marriage licenses, claiming she has the right to deny them — as a public servant — based on her religious beliefs. Defying the appeals court order, she and her attorneys at the Liberty Counsel — the anti-gay legal group affiliated with the late Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University — are instead appealing to the Supreme Court, where they are likely to lose as well.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: COME ON SCOTT, THOSE CANADIANS WILL JUST BUILD BIGGER LADDERS.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R), a staunch advocate of beefing up security on the southern border, said Sunday he is open to building a wall on the U.S. border with Canada as well. The Republican presidential candidate said the idea of building a northern wall was brought up to him during a recent town hall in New Hampshire. “That is a legitimate issue for us to look at,” Walker said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press. Republicans typically take a tough approach on securing the southern border, but few have said a wall should also be built along the U.S.-Canada border. Walker reasoned that it’s about much more than building a wall, arguing, “It starts with securing the homeland.” “It wasn’t just about building a wall and securing our borders,” he said. “It was also about making sure our intelligence community has the ability for counterterrorism and the ability to go after the infrastructure they need to protect us.”

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: IT TAKES A LIAR AND A CHEAT TO SPOT A LIAR AND A CHEAT.

A billionaire hedge fund investor and GOP donor who publicly mocked Hillary Clinton this year for being married to “a liar and a cheat” had an account on the cheating site Ashley Madison, according to data released by hackers calling themselves the Impact Team. The name and email address of Dan Loeb, founder of hedge fund Third Point LLC and prominent contributor to the Romney campaign, appear in the company’s database of users, and Loeb confirmed in a statement to Gawker that the account is authentic. Once an Obama supporter, Loeb has since turned into a very generous supporter of Republican candidates and conservative Super PACs—he gifted $1,000,000 to the right-wing American Unity PAC and a quarter million to the Ending Spending Action Fund just last fall, along with tens of thousands of dollars straight to the Republican Party.

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