Boners

Boner Preview Candidates November 12th, 2015

Boner Preview Candidate#1: JESUS WANTS ME TO BE DISCREET

In a rare media interview broadcast Tuesday night, Elevation Church Pastor Steven Furtick said revealing how much money he makes and how much of it he gives away would be unfair to his family and would violate Jesus’ call to be discreet about donations.

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Boner Preview Candidate#2: A CRAPPY VIEW OF THINGS

This guy’s a real sewer rat! A pervy Japanese man wedged himself into a tiny sewer space so he could take pictures up skirts of passing women, authorities said.

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Boner Preview Candidate#3: WE ARE THE AUTHORITY AND WE ARE NEVER WRONG

At Klein Collins High they teach the importance of hard, scientific proof and the value of equal justice for all.
But when it comes to sophomore Hailey Gibbons, there’s strong evidence educators on this campus aren’t practicing what they preach.

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Boner Preview Candidate#4: BAD GUY THROUGH AND THROUGH

Criminal allegations against a 21-year-old Michigan man have gone from bad to worse after police investigating him for an alleged cancer hoax discovered he may also have sexually assaulted a 13-year-old boy.

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Boner Preview Candidate#5: YOU AINT SUPOSTA DO THIS NO MORE?

Country star Jason Aldean—47th on Forbes’ highest-paid celebrities list—went out in blackface and dreadlocks for Halloween, Nashville Gab reports. That’s him above, on the left, in blackface and dreadlocks.

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Boner Preview Candidate#6: God Will Judge America For Harry Potter’s ‘Homosexual Mentor’

Warning that “we are on the very cusp of judgment as I see it and we need to call America to repent,” Swanson listed off the various sins of which Americans need to repent. “America, repent of your rebellion against God!” he yelled. “America, repent of stumbling the little ones! America, repent of ‘Harry Potter’! America, repent of ‘How to Train Your Dragon’!

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