Boner Candidate #1: WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.
A New Jersey man is suing United Airlines, claiming he was urinated on by a heavily intoxicated passenger sitting next to him. Daniel Card was on flight 1871 back home from Los Angeles when he says an extremely drunk passenger boarded the flight and sat next to him. As the cross-country flight prepared for takeoff to Newark Airport, Card alleges in the suit, filed on Wednesday, that the inebriated man next to him in row 24 “took out his penis and aimed it at Card and proceeded to urinate all over Card’s leg, while Card was confined to his seat due to an imminent departure of the flight.” Card said he tried to wake up the passed out passenger, who smelled strongly of alcohol, but could not. He then alerted the airline crew, who according to the suit, “refused [his] request to relocate his seat.” After several requests, Card says he was finally moved from the urine-soaked seat, but was “forced to endure the remainder of the flight to Newark/New Jersey while remaining in his urine drenched clothing.”
Boner Candidate #2: MAN THAT REALLY STINKS
These two were flush with passion. A boozed-up 26-year-old man and a 28-year-old woman were caught having sex in a Tennessee bar bathroom — so they moved their steamy sexcapade to a nearby Porta-Potty, according to a report. The pair was arrested and charged with public intoxication and indecent exposure for the early Saturday incident at O’Connor’s Irish Pub in Clarksville, the Leaf-Chronicle reported. Police were called to the scene and ordered the duo out of the bathroom, and an officer told the “completely naked” woman to put her clothes on. The woman told the officer that she “did not understand what the big deal was,” according to the news outlet.
Boner Candidate #3: YOU NEED SOME LEAD….FOR YOUR PENCIL.
The most accurate description of the shrieking pageantry we’ve come to know as InfoWars is that it’s a dietary supplement business hiding behind a debased, unreliable, and exhaustingly stupid news network. Unfortunately for its founder Alex Jones, seen above chugging a glass of “Caveman True Paleo Formula,” two of those supplements were recently found to contain high levels of lead. Besides this Neanderthal Pre-Human Drink Powder, another supplement called Myco-ZX, advertised as “potent herbs and enzymes” intended for the “detoxification of yeast and undesirable fungal organisms,” was also determined to have high levels of lead, according to an independent testing by watchdog group the Center for Environmental Health, the findings of which InfoWars has itself based articles on prior. According to the CEH, which purchased the samples tested directly from the InfoWars online shop, “People who take the Myco-ZX product would ingest more than six times the daily limit for lead under California law.” Those taking Caveman True Paleo would ingest twice the Californian daily lead limit.
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