Boner Candidate #1: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT 107 TIMES
Exposing the double standard between police and civilians, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office announced Wednesday that no criminal charges will be filed against the eight LAPD officers responsible for nearly killing an innocent woman and her daughter. Although the cops ambushed the unarmed women without warning and fired over 100 bullets without provocation, the district attorney justified the case of mistaken identity due to the fact that the officers involved were afraid and incompetent. At 5 a.m. on February 7, 2013, Margie Carranza and her mother, Emma Hernandez, were delivering newspapers throughout a residential neighborhood in Torrance when eight LAPD cops suddenly opened fire. As Carranza suffered cuts from the flying glass, Hernandez was shot twice in the back while trying to protect her daughter. One bullet exited just above Hernandez’s collarbone, while the other bullet struck her lower back, near her spine. A fragment of shattered glass also flew into her eye.
Boner Candidate #2: I’M NOT TRYING TO OUTLAW MASTURBATION
Things could get really hard for porn fans in Utah. A Utah state senator is taking a stand against pornography, blaming skin flicks for creating a “sexually toxic environment,” increasing the demand for prostitution and ruining families. Sen. Todd Weiler introduced his legislation on Friday, asking that the state recognize that porn is creating a public health hazard. He called for a reform to take on the “pornography epidemic that is harming the citizens of Utah and the nation.” The politician told the Daily News that porn was more addictive than powerful drugs, and the public needed to start seeing adult films as a national epidemic. “I have read books and I have experts tell me pornography is more difficult to overcome than cocaine,” he said. He compares the public perception of porn to cigarettes in the early 20th century, when doctors and celebrities openly smoked and advertised them as healthy. He said he hopes to shift the public opinion on adult entertainment the same way it has on cigarettes. Weiler argued that with the widespread advances in technology, porn has become easily accessible, especially for children. His bill warned that the average age of exposure to porn is now as young as 11, and polluting children’s minds with the wrong ideas about sex. The 48-year-old state lawmaker said he wish he was never exposed to porn in the 1970s at a young age, Weiler told the News.
Boner Candidate #3: THE MILK OF ARTHRITIC GOATS WILL CURE YOU
Charlie Sheen and Dr. Oz — if you’d ever guessed they’d be a match made in quackery heaven, then Tuesday’s episode of “The Dr. Oz Show” would have proved you correct. When the 50 year-old Sheen announced in November that he had been HIV positive for four years, he seemed very different from his “duh, winning” persona of just a few years earlier. Sitting on the “Today” show with his doctor, he spoke of his rigorous medication regime, and said, “I have a responsibility now to better myself and to help a lot of other people.” And he vowed that he would “not shun away from responsibilities and opportunities that drive me to help others, and deliver a cure.” So cut to Tuesday, and Sheen admitting in a pre-taped segment, “I feel like there’s mantra, ‘Stay on your meds, stay on your meds, stay on your meds…’ I’ve been off of meds for about a week now, and I always feel great. And yeah, am I risking my life? Sure. So what? I was born dead. So that part of it doesn’t faze me at all. I told my mom on day one that the disease picked the wrong guy if it wanted to stay alive.”
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