Life

6 Topics to Definitely Talk About at Thanksgiving Dinner

Sure, there are a lot of taboo topics when family is around.

But you have to talk about something, right? I mean, you can only fall for the quarter-from-the-ear trick so many times before tell Uncle Freddy he needs some new material. Sports work for a while, but not everyone likes sports. At least not all sports. Now, one of our bloggers-at-large, Jessica, has a very comprehensive and helpful lists of things NOT to talk about over turkey and yams and it’s great advice, but that begs the question: what do we talk about? Well, let me tell you there are some wonderful things we can all relate to in a positive and constructive way. So in the words of Billy Echner…and. away. we. go…

6. Sex

Your grandparents can relate to it because they created your parents. Your parents can relate to it because they had you. You’re cousin that’s a nun? Well, someone gave birth to her as well. Don’t let Utah lawmakers shame the human body and its capability for pleasure. I mean sure, some of us…well, many of us could have healthier ways of expressing our carnal instincts, but I have faith we will get there as a society. Anyway, what I am saying is that while everyone is eating, talk about sex. Think about while making the mash potatoes, too. Imagine how light and fluffy they will be from the inspiration and then you can think about making the mashers and sex again while you watch your family devour those lovely taters while telling them you were thinking about sex as you made them. It’ll be a hit! Plus, maybe you can give your grandparents a few tips before they head back to the home. I mean, well know what goes on at Shady Acres.

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5. Net Neutrality

Does your uncle know he may have to pay even more to enjoy PornHub to his ISP if the FCC goes through doing away with Net Neutrality? Does your Aunt Peggy know Etsy could be throttled down to unusable and she’ll no longer be able to sell her wax food garden sculptures without ponying up more dough on her internet bill. You could have a Tinder date over for some Netflix & Chill time only to find out that because Netflix won’t pay the makers of Will & Grace a ton of money to offer up episodes that Netflix has been pushed into an ever-buffering banishment and your date night placed in awkward silence and no nookie. Really, you already pay for the NFL Season Pass, do you want to pay more so you can actually watch it? You’ve bought Overwatch. Do you want to pay more just to play it? If you wanted to look at it in a positive light, we’ll know how North Koreans feel.

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4. How dumb “Stranger Things” is

Face it! After “borrowing” everything 80’s down to the font for their title, “Stranger Things” is really just a jumped up version of “Goosebumps.” After Harry Potter, Divergent, the one with Katniss (that’s her name, right?), The Maze Runner – you could really go on – there really isn’t much going on in this genre. Oh yeah, they made a movie this summer based on “Stranger Things” called “It.” Maybe you caught it. You should really just rewatch last season of Ink Master.

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3. Music!

Unless you have a Liberace denier amongst your family, there is nothing better than sharing your love of music. Has Great Granny been switch on to Macklemore before? Does mom know about LCD Soundsystem? You’ve only told her 1,000 times of their greatness. Now’s your chance to make her listen in mixed company and acknowledge your insights. Has your dad, in kind, flip on your admiration for .38 Special? “Here, now that everyone has finished their frog-eyed salad, let’s move to the living room for a dance party. Everyone open your Spotify and add a couple songs to the ‘Hoes Ain’t Nothin’ playlist. Oh, and bring that bottle of Jameson. Shit gettin’ rowdy…that what we thankful for up in here.”

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2. How good Two of Sasha Baron Cohen’s Movies are

Face it! “Borat” is a masterpiece that wouldn’t be made today. “Brüno” is a masterpiece that should have a sequel made today. The only thing you shouldn’t talk about is how he won’t be playing Freddy Mercury in the Queen movie. That’s not VERY NICE!!!

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1. Courtney Dauwalter is the most amazing human on earth

She ran the Moab 240 this summer. Let me rephrase that: she ran 238 miles, on foot, her feet in 2 days, 9 hours and 59 minutes. I mean, you could say 58 hours if you’re into the whole brevity thing. That’s just amazing. Odds are that no one in your family knows who she is and will be quite blown away when you tell the story. Not only did she win the Moab 240, but her closet competitor ran the race in just under 68 hours. That’s nearly have a day. Ms. Dauwalter also loves to drink beer, so don’t let anyone tell you beer will take away your edge ever again. Not even your mom as you and your cousins head to the store for another 24 pack after the first two are gone. Tell her you’re training for next year. Read more about her amazingness at Gear Junkie.

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So there you have it! 6 fine topics to help your Thanksgiving move along and onto Black Friday when you’re back with your friends and don’t have to front. Cheer to you! Bonus points if you can fit in flat Earth, free birth control, and/or legal pot.

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