Life

Punk Reviews a Movie for January 30th, 2017

Well, nothing says Happy Freakin’ VD (Valentine’s Day) is on its way like:

POKER NIGHT (Somebody’s Got a Killer Hand)

 

That’s Right, how do you catch a killer when he is holding all of the cards. . .   

 2014 – 105 minutes of fill color not rated from XLrator Media & wing man productions in association with tunnel post – Directed and written by Greg Francis (wives with knives)

 

STARRING:

 Beau Mirchoff as Stan Jeter cop on the edge (Awkward, Desperate Housewives)    

Ron Pearlman as Calabrese the street tough detective (If I have to tell you, just quit reading right now)

Giancarlo Esposito as Bernard the analytical detective (The OG Electric Company, Breaking Bad)

Titus Welliver as Maxwell the angry detective (Agents of SHIELD, The Last Ship, Deadwood, SOA)

Michael Eklund as the man of means by all means (Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, Continuum)

Ron Eldard as Cunningham indifferent detective (ER, Justified)

Halston Sage as Amy the crazy partier (Crisis, Scout’s Guide to the Zombie apocalypse)

Corey Large as Davis the gimpy detective (Machine Gun Preacher)

Dean Wray as the murder mentor (Stargate Atlantis, Viper)

Kieran Large as Shawn cop #1 (Kid Cannibus)

Luchlyn Munro as Nate cop #2 (Burn Notice, Longmire)

 

SYNOPSIS:

 Well, you see what we gots here is a down on his luck police officer catches his wife cheating on him, he decides its time to become a detective. Because, well, why not. But, all rookies must endure the hazing of Poker Night where the older detectives pass along their insights and experiences to the newbies while giving them a good ribbing. Because, well, why not but, when a brash serial killer with a flare for the dramatic comes to town, things get interesting. Supposedly. When the killer sets his sights on the newbie, and his secret girlfriend, its all hands on deck as the rookie tries to implement his new found knowledge faster than the killer is masking the old detectives and their families disappear. Because, well, why not. I sense a squeeeequil!

 

Snipit:

Bernard to rookie, “There’s DNA everywhere! He’s like the Old Faithful of sperm!”.

 

Rating:

(3) giant Prozac’s and some hydrochcorothiazide for: THE honeycomb hideout, being out run by a video store clerk, taking your chick for a walk, having a bad air day, a creep off, an Unkown comic sighting, the happy mask family, the why are you hitting yourself and murder selfies, loads of F’N panties in the heating and A/C ducts, a murder mentor, wearing your mask to work, the jack hammer-o-needles, is that super glue on your gun? A PHD in murder from the Discovery Channel, a good old sack lunch beat down, a CSI pizza party, how many tubes of krazy glue does it take to glue an adult man to a wall (34), and YEEEEEEEEE HAUUUUUUUUSSSS an entire 4th prozac for the continuing adventures of Happy the Bunny and Bootles the Clown to the Nth! Degree!

 

Food:

 A few bottles or four of blue raspberry V8 splash, a couple of Lynn Wilson’s beef & bean burrito’s all Cache Vallied up with a side of chow mien and a chaser of lo mien, a Totinos classic pepperoni pizza or two, adds the cottage cheese as ya needs, a tub-o cotton candy ice cream, several salted nut rolls (cause this stuffs got nuts in it), a box or three of Snicker’s hazelnut bars, a bag of butter mints, a box-o-Girls Scouts thin mint cookie cereal, Hershey cupcake kisses, a stack of Elmer’s (glue?) fine chocolate samplers with THE best strawberry and orange cream chocolates in the heavens and on the Earth or whatever makes you see stars on VD. You’ll need it.

 

Other Memorable Lines:

Davis to group, “You don’t always get what you want. Take for instance my broken jaw and eighteen stitches.”.

Jeter to audience, ”Amy? Amy was a mistake in more ways than one.”.

Maxwell to Jeter, “hey buddy, quit crying into your drink and put your dress on for godsakes.”.

 

Final Stupor of Thought:

 And, when all else fails, just ask for a kiss. And, thank you in advance for not destroying my BB-8 valentines mailbox. Whew, that was something. And, not always what you expected. Hit the web and stores tomorrow for your Jack Reacher around and the latest version of Pinocchio. Target’s comes with a 28 page little golden book. Or, just save your pennies for the next few weeks to grab your favorite format/packaging on Moana, Dr. Strange and Justice Dark with the action figure if you are like me and want to keep the dvd action figure collection going strong.

Punk go nap time now.


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