ROUND ONE:
BONER CANDIDATE #1: IT WAS A GHOST, A GHOST WITH A AXE
A Louisiana man who claimed that a ghost planted drugs on him after he was hit in the head with an ax — despite having no visible wounds — is under arrest. Michael Auttonberry, 59, reported to sheriff’s deputies on Wednesday that there had been a stabbing at his home in West Monroe, according to arrest records from the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office. When deputies arrived, Auttonberry shouted at them, and at people “who were obviously not there,” the arrest records said. Officials noticed that the man had not been stabbed in the head with an ax as he’d claimed. Auttonberry told deputies that intruders were in his home — police determined that this wasn’t the case. He allegedly told authorities that the suspected crystal meth deputies claim to have found on his nightstand was planted by a “ghost or intruders” who happened to be climbing out a nearby window — which police also determined to be false. Auttonberry was charged with possession of a controlled dangerous substance and giving a false police report. He was booked at the Ouachita Correctional Center on a $5,000 bond.
BONER CANDIDATE #2: A BUNCH OF DO NOTHING THERAPISTS
Eight city psychotherapists bilked taxpayers for more than $600,000 in sessions with developmentally-delayed kids that they never performed — forging parents’ signatures to get paid while they slacked off and even took vacations, authorities said Thursday. The accused staffers, which include two city Department of Education employees, were supposed to be treating children, ranging from babies to 5-year-olds, under initiatives like the state’s Early Intervention Program (EIP). Instead, they fudged the signatures of the parents of roughly 200 vulnerable kids on invoices for treatment they never provided, filed the claims for taxpayer-funded payment with Medicaid and the state health department, and blew off their young patients, prosecutors alleged Thursday in Brooklyn federal court. One defendant, Lyubov Beylina, billed for 51 EIP therapy sessions between June 28 and July 5, 2016 — the same stretch when a Facebook photo shows her lounging on a beach in the Dominican Republic, decked out in a hot-pink bikini and clutching an iguana, officials said. “Rather than provide honest services, they chose to line their own pockets at the expense of taxpayers and the developmentally-delayed children and their families for whom these funds were targeted,” said William Sweeney, Assistant Director-in-Charge for the FBI, which took part in the investigation.
BONER CANDIDATE #3: OUR POLL NUMBERS ARE ALWAYS REALLY HIGH
A Rhode Island gubernatorial candidate was arrested Thursday with what police said was 48 pounds of illegal pot. State police arrested Compassion Party candidate Anne Armstrong, along with the party’s candidate for attorney general, Alan Gordon. Police said they searched the pair’s home in West Greenwich after receiving a complaint of a “strong odor of marijuana emanating from marijuana plants being illegally grown outdoors.” They said that a 15-year-old child was in the house. The pair appeared in court Thursday afternoon and did not enter pleas to charges of marijuana possession and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. They were ordered held on $25,000 bail. Armstrong sent a tweet Thursday morning from what appeared to be the back of a police cruiser, saying she was arrested “again” for cannabis.
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ROUND TWO:
BONER CANDIDATE #1: TAKING A 5 YEAR OLD TO THE MOVIES? HOW RUDE.
Police in suburban Atlanta say a woman filled her son’s sippy cup with an alcoholic beverage, sneaked it into a movie theater and became so drunk she couldn’t walk, talk or care for the 5-year-old. News outlets quote a Cobb County police arrest warrant as saying Kristina Gibson is wanted on charges including public intoxication. Police say Gibson also possibly combined the drink with prescription drugs. Sgt. Wayne Delk says a theater employee called police after moviegoers complained because Gibson’s son was crying. Police say theater staff stopped Gibson from getting into her car with her child. Police called her friend to pick up the boy and the woman was taken to a hospital. “She was that drunk,” Delk said. When an officer tried to zip Gibson’s purse, she said, “I will (expletive) kill you,” according to the Atlanta Journal Constitution. Once at the hospital, police sought a warrant for Gibson’s arrest because “she wasn’t a threat at that point any longer,” Delk said.
BONER CANDIDATE #2: WHEN YOU GOTTA GO YOU GOTTA TO.
A woman letting her toddler use a potty in the aisle of a plane in front of shocked passengers has sparked a fierce debate about its rights and wrongs. The unidentified mother was pictured crouching down as her child uses the potty just feet away from other passengers. The photograph was posted on the passengershaming Instagram account, dedicated to the gross behavior of travelers. After being spotted by cabin crew and asked to use the vacant toilet the woman reportedly replied: “I don’t give a s–t.” Passengershaming said “obviously not shaming or identifying the child. But this literal s–t is happening out there, folks.” The picture has now been seen thousands of times and aroused a fierce criticism from some though others have expressed sympathy. “Disgusting” and “so unsanitary” were some of the comments with one user comparing it to “having your child go to the bathroom in the middle of a restaurant.” Another user said the woman showed “no respect for others” and another simply called her “a b—h.” Others wanted to know if the potty would be cleaned in the lavatory sink “where other passengers wash their hands.”
BONER CANDIDATE #3: I DON’T THINK THE JUDGE WOULD TRY TO TAP THAT.
A North Carolina Republican leader used a fake photo to mock the physical appearance of Christine Blasey Ford, who has accused Supreme Court nominee judge Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault. Lanny Lancaster, GOP chairman for Cabarrus County, this week shared an image on Facebook that he purported to be a teenage Ford, suggesting she was not attractive enough to be a sexual assault victim. Ford, a California psychology professor, told the Senate Judiciary Committee last week that Kavanaugh held her down on a bed, covered her mouth, and attempted to forcibly remove her clothing when the two were in the high school. “This is the alleged sexual assault victim. Wow,” Lancaster wrote in his post with the picture of a young woman in braces wearing large glasses, according to the News & Observer. The photo isn’t Ford. It’s actually a meme that has circulated the internet since at least 2012. When contacted by the News & Observer, Lancaster was unapologetic and attacked the media. “I didn’t say anything,” Lancaster said. “I just said this is her picture. Basically, the media is distorting the facts on this lady. Everything she’s said is made up. She has no evidence whatsoever. I support that theory.” Then he launched into a further slam on Ford’s physical appearance.
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