Boners

Boner Candidates for February 24th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: SIRI TOLD ME TO GO THAT WAY!

Utah State Parks said more than a dozen people trying to find an alternate route around the I-80 shutdown in Parleys Canyon Thursday morning ended up stranded in the mountains instead, thanks to faulty directions from a map applications. I-80 closed in the westbound direction overnight on Thursday, when two semi-trucks crashed and sparked a massive fire, killing one of the drivers. A number of drivers, including Jonathan Dewein, immediately searched for an alternate route around the closure. Some of them reported using maps on Apple devices that led them to Jeremy Ranch Road, which would take drivers from I-80, to Highway 65, then to Emigration Canyon and into Salt Lake City. The only problem that the maps didn’t account for was snow. Dewein noticed Jeremy Ranch Road seemed dicey, but he said he didn’t know the area well and relied on his iPhone map.

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Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T THINK HE WAS LOOKING FOR A DOG

Firefighters freed a Mississippi man Tuesday night after he somehow wound up hanging upside down from a tree. Authorities said they found Shawn Treadaway, of New Albany, completely naked with a cable wrapped around him. WTVA reports that he was left dangling from the tree in a wooded area of Blue Springs for more than four hours. Treadaway’s girlfriend knocked on doors until she found a resident named Jerry Feathers who agreed to help. “I was thinking my brother was in trouble so I go out there to help,” Feathers told WTVA. “After about three minutes in the woods I saw this man hanging upside down in the tree butt naked.”

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Boner Candidate #3: CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING ‘DILDOS’

A judge has issued an arrest warrant for a South Carolina woman who allegedly assaulted her ex-boyfriend after “yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around” the victim’s residence, according to a police report. Investigators charge that Kelly Godfrey, 30, arrived uninvited last night to the Spartanburg home of her former beau (whom Godfrey dated and lived with for about five months). The 34-year-old victim told cops that after he told Godfrey to leave, she “started yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around the residence.” A witness told police that an agitated Godfrey was screaming “fags and dildos!” The witness added that he “tried to get Ms. Godfrey to calm down and not yell about dildos” since the victim’s two young children were present.

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