Boners

Boner Candidates for November 21, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: POOR LITTLE TURKEY

Every parent, no matter how ridiculous the school production is or how small a part their kid plays, feels proud of their child for being on stage and doing their best. Kent Squires went to his son’s Thanksgiving play and held his phone up high to record the end of the play because his son, who has high-functioning autism and was playing the turkey, was supposed to speak the last line into the mic. His video starts with a few of his son’s classmates lined up, speaking their lines into the microphone one by one until his son is the only one left. “He has come home from school and said he gets to say ‘gobble, gobble’ because he was playing the turkey,” Squires wrote. Unfortunately, his little boy was never able to say the line he was so excited about because right as he opened his mouth, a teacher came and ripped the mic from the stand — and his reaction was absolutely heartbreaking.

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Boner Candidate #2: HARSH PUNISHMENT FOR A GOOD DEED

A New Jersey officer who left the scene of a shooting to drive a 7-year-old girl who saw her father kill her mother to police headquarters has been demoted. Asbury Park city manager Michael Capabianco on Friday upheld charges of incompetency, neglect of duty and three other counts against Capt. Marshawn Love. Love was demoted to sergeant and suspended for 120 days. Authorities say he shouldn’t have left the scene and should have taken command as the senior-most officer. The charges stem from June 2015, when off-duty Neptune police Sgt. Philip Seidle chased and gunned down his ex-wife, Tamara. Love responded to the scene but soon left with the Seidles’ daughter. He says he wasn’t the commanding officer there. The suspension will be appealed. Seidle received 30 years in prison.

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Boner Candidate #3: PARENTS NEED TO CONTROL THEIR QUEER CHILDREN

Konni Burton, a Texas Tea Party state senator, has proposed a bill that would lawfully require school employees to out queer students to their parents, regardless of the students’ wishes. According to LOGO, Burton has just filed Senate Bill 242, which mandates disciplinary action against any school employee who does not disclose the sexual and/or gender identity of students to their parents. She was moved to draft this bill after her hometown of Fort Worth modified school guidelines to further protect transgender students. Faculty would no longer be permitted to reveal a student’s gender identity to their parents without their explicit permission.

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