Boners

Boner Candidates for November 28, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: IT’S A GOOD THING HE’S 93. HE’LL BE GONE SOON.

One of Donald Trump’s electors isn’t backing down from the hateful comments he made six years ago calling for the murder of gays. Dennis Scranton, one of Montana’s three Electoral College voters, made the explosive comments in a 2010 Facebook rant against same-sex marriage.  Scranton wrote: “I think fruits are decorative. Hang up where they can be seen and appreciated. Call Wyoming for display instructions.” His remarks about Wyoming appear to refer to the brutal murder of gay University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard, who was tied to a fencepost outside Laramie and tortured in 1998. He later died of his injuries.

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Boner Candidate #2: CASTRO….HE WAS A GREAT SUPPORTER OF EDUCATION.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was greeted with a chorus of boos Sunday when he took the field at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida. It wasn’t just because the 49ers were playing against the home-standing Miami Dolphins. Miami is home to a large community of Cuban exiles and they are outraged by Kaepernick’s support of the man they consider a brutal oppressor, the now-deceased Cuban leader Fidel Castro. Castro died Friday at 90. Kaepernick is used to being booed. He’s been raising a streak of controversies ever since his August decision to sit in protest during the national anthem before an NFL preseason game.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM.

An Indiana mother is accused of injecting fecal matter into her 15-year-old son’s IV bag while he was undergoing cancer treatments at Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis. According to Marion Superior Court documents, Tiffany Alberts, 41, of Wolcott, Indiana, used a syringe to inject feces into her son’s IV on several occasions between November 13th and 17th, knowingly placing him “in a situation that endangered the dependent’s life or health.” The mother claimed her actions were meant to get her son moved from the ICU to another Riley unit, where she believed “the treatment was better.”

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Boner Candidate #4: IT WAS NOT A RUB IT WAS A GENTLE SMOOSH….A LOVE SMOOSH IF YOU WILL.

Authorities say a Millmont, Pennsylvania woman shot her boyfriend in the chest because he grabbed her by the hair and rubbed a slice of pizza in her face during an argument. Local newspaperThe Daily Item reports reports that 34-year-old Brandon Doan maintains he “gently smooshed” the pizza in Jennifer Boop’s face on October 12th. Doan said he did not remember what he and Boop were arguing about specifically prior to the incident, but added that he had thrown Boop and her two daughters out of the home they shared, and “became angry when Boop didn’t promptly pack up her belongings to leave.”

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Boner Candidate #5: HOLOCAUST ON ICE.

The wife of Vladimir Putin’s top spokesman has sparked international outrage over a Holocaust-inspired ice-skating routine in which she donned a death-camp uniform and mimed shooting her partner for a cheering audience. Competitive skater Tatyana Navka and her partner, Andrew Burkovsjy, glided across the ice grinning in black-and-white striped pajamas emblazoned with the Star of David and death-camp serial numbers, according to the Daily Mail. The duo performed the questionable piece for the Russian reality TV program “Ice Age.” Navka, a two-time world-champion skater and 2006 Winter Olympic gold medalist, is married to the Russian president’s head mouthpiece, Dmitry Peskov.

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Boner Candidate #6: BEEF STEW DISPUTE

Police say a man from Panton, Vermont, was arrested following a dispute over beef stew. At approximately 3:20pm on Monday members of the Vermont State Police responded to a family disturbance.. Upon arrival Troopers were met by Richard Marszalkowski and a woman who was later determined to be the victim. It was determined through investigation that Marszalkowki and the female had an argument about beef stew. The victim told troopers that Marszalkowki had pushed her back and caused pain to her neck.

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