Boners

Boner Candidates for October 18, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I FELL ON THE BOTTLE

A middle-aged man from Honduras needed an emergency operation to remove his penis after he got it stuck in a bottle he was using as a sex toy, according to reports. The 50-year-old man, whose name was not released, was rushed to a hospital after his penis turned black and started to decay, the Daily Mail reported. Dr. Dennis Chirinos said the man, who was not married and did not have a girlfriend, was trying to relieve his sexual frustration.

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Boner Candidate #2: GO AHEAD AND CALL ME A RACIST BECAUSE I AM ONE

The town council on Monday voted to accept the resignation of the Republican mayor after an uproar over racist posts on his Facebook page, including two depicting apes with captions referring to Democratic President Barack Obama and his family. One image of a wagon full of orangutans referred to “moving day” at the White House. Another referred to lynching. The West York borough council last week voted to censure Mayor Charles Wasko, who’s white, but had no power to throw him out of office. It voted unanimously on Monday to accept his resignation. Democratic Council President Shawn Mauck will take over as mayor. “I think Mayor Wasko missed a golden opportunity,” Mauck said. “He could have come out and apologized, and that would have been a signature move forward.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THE COOKIE MONSTER IS SCARING ME.

The man who would be the Cookie Monster circled the parking lot in a beat-up, maroon van. Inside, a pair of red and black boxers hung from the grab handle. A toothbrush and tube of toothpaste were stashed in the glove box. But his prized possession was stuffed in a large plastic bag: the furry blue costume of the iconic Sesame Street character. Adam Sandler — his legal name, but no relation to the comic actor — slipped the outfit over a sweat-drenched blue T-shirt before putting on the head with the famously googly eyes.

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