Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates October 21st, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: I HAD TO GET THERE. I WAS ON THE REFRESHMENT COMMITTEE

A man has admitted chasing down a plane and breaking through security in an attempt to board a departing flight to his school reunion. Marc Rehmar, 58, had arrived late to board a United Airlines flight to Ohio at Denver International Airport on August 6. He then opened a secure emergency exit, triggering an alarm and ran onto the ramp and insisted on being allowed to board the plane. Rehmar pleaded guilty to misdemeanor tampering and was sentenced to 100 hours of community service and two years of probation at Denver District Court. Prosecutors dropped other charges against Rehmar, including a felony count of endangering public transportation. A probable cause affidavit filed by police said Rehmar attempted to stop the United Airlines jet as he saw a tug driver pushing it away from a departing gate.  ‘After arriving late for his flight and finding the ‘jet-bridge’ doors closed and locked, Rehmar did forcibly push open an alarmed, card-key and code locked door,’ the affidavit said. Rehmar then ran onto the secured area and forced the tug driver to stop.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS DESTINY. SHE’S DEAN OF ADMISSIONS.

A 56-year-old Florida man, the former head of a for-profit college, is scheduled to go on trial in Miami federal court on Wednesday for using strip club exotic dancers — so-called “hot mommas” and “the sluttiest girls” — to lure unqualified students to his school. Alejandro Amor, who ran the now-shuttered FastTrain College, defrauded Uncle Sam out of $6.5 million in student loans over nearly four years by enrolling the students — some of whom didn’t even graduate from high school — it is alleged. FastTrain operated seven campuses across Florida. Amor is accused of illegally enrolling 1,300 students without high school degrees, then telling the students to lie on financial aid applications in order to get Pell Grants and other federal loans. For-profit colleges — which typically get 90 percent of their revenue from federal student loan programs — have been rocked by scandal in recent years. Even the biggest ones, like University of Phoenix, have been accused of serious violations and paid hefty fines.

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Boner Candidate #3: DIVERSITY TRUMPS DEMOCRACY

Principal Lena Van Haren’s decision to withhold the results of the student government elections angered parents and students at Everett Middle School in San Francisco. “It’s not okay for a school that is really, really diverse to have the student representatives majority white,” she told the San Francisco Chronicle. “The easy thing would have been to announce the results and move on. I intentionally did not choose the easy way because this is so important.” There were no allegations of voter intimidation or voter fraud. There were no reports of hanging chads. And there were no incidents involving ballot boxes that malfunctioned. So what was the problem? According to the newspaper, there were no “English learners” among the winners. I’m assuming that’s what they’re calling kids who don’t speak a lick of English these days. Black and Latino students were underrepresented as well. The problem, it appears, is that the principal didn’t like who got the most votes. In other words – too many white kids got elected. For the record, white, Asian and mixed-race students were the highest vote getters, the newspaper reported.

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