Boners

Boner Fight for April 17th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: HEY SEXY….I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A GOOD RATING ON THE COMMENT CARD.

A man accused of sexually assaulting a Target employee played a role in his own capture after he signed his name on a customer service card. Roswell police arrested Ira Davis on April 2. The alleged assault occurred six months ago. According to a police report, Davis walked into the store on Holcomb Bridge Road on Oct. 10 and began talking to the woman in the electronics department. Davis, police say, began touching the woman inappropriately and whispering sexual comments into her ear. He then grabbed her arms and told her she was “drop dead gorgeous” and “sexy,” according to the report. “(The woman) made it clear in her statement and while speaking with me that the man forced these actions upon her and it was clearly unwanted,” Officer J. Zettler wrote in his report.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE HAS SABOTAGED A LOT OF DIAPERS IN HIS TIME

A three-month-old baby was taken in for questioning at the U.S. Embassy in London after his grandfather mistakenly marked the purpose of his trip to the U.S. as “terrorism” on the immigration form. There’s…a box for that? Genius! What a flawless system. According to The Guardian, Paul Kenyon was planning to fly to Orlando with baby Harvey and other members of his family, and was tasked with filling out everyone’s visa documents. All was well until Kenyon got to Harvey’s form—specifically, the part that helpfully asks whether the purpose of the trip is to commit terrorism.

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