ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE #1:WE NEED TO STOP BEING PRIVELIGED BABIES
The Monday morning after anti-lockdown protesters hit the streets to heed President Donald Trump’s call to “LIBERATE” Democratic-led states, The View hosts weighed in on the escalating tensions. But only one of them defended the gun-toting demonstrators who are putting people’s lives at risk. First up, Joy Behar explained that while she “feels for” the people who have lost their jobs due to the coronavirus crisis, “they have to understand that they can infect other people.” To paraphrase Patrick Henry, she added, “Give me liberty and give me death is what they’re basically proposing, because a lot of people are going to die because of this behavior.” “These people are being egged on by right-wing media and people like Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh,” Behar added. “And why are you bringing guns to a rally? You want to call yourself protesters, leave your guns at home. Those are terrorists who bring guns to rallies.”
BONER CANDIDATE #2:I’M TAKING A CLOROX BATH
It’s been a rough few weeks for CNN anchor Chris Cuomo and his family. After he revealed a positive COVID-19 diagnosis on March 31, the family later shared that his wife, Crisitina Cuomo, had also contracted the disease and just Wednesday, revealed their 14-year-old son, Mario, had as well. Luckily for Cristina, however, she appears to be making a swift recovery, even if one of the ways she claims to have done so is a bit troubling. In a post on her Goop-like wellness blog Purist, Cuomo shared a laundry list of holistic methods she is using to tackle the coronavirus, including a “body charger” borrowed from a friend that sends electrical frequencies through the body, a vitamin drip done by a doctor who makes house calls to the Hamptons and what appears to be billions of milligrams of vitamins.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR DENVERINE.
Doriana Fontanella’s number is just one digit off from the state’s fax number for the Department of Labor and Employment. She says she has been inundated by calls over the past several weeks as people are accidentally dialing her number instead. “I thought there’s a real need out there and I needed to let people know that I”m not the one they want,” Fontanella said, as she explained why she contacted the FOX31 Problem Solvers about the mix-up. Fontanella tells the Problem Solvers it actually all began more than a decade ago in 2008. Her phone would ring and she would answer, only to hear the unmistakable tone of a fax machine. She says the problem grew worse during the historic 2013 floods in Colorado. People were calling her number almost daily, presumably trying to fax materials to the Department of Labor for unemployment claims. That’s when Fontanella realized what was happening.
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE #1:CORONAVIRUS HOARDER
An Adelaide shopper has attempted to return thousands of dollars’ worth of supplies to a local supermarket after stockpiling them at the start of the coronavirus panic buying outbreak, a retailer says. But the man, who initially tried and failed to re-sell the goods online, has been refused a refund. Drakes Supermarkets director John-Paul Drake said the man called the supermarket to try to get a refund on 132 packs of toilet rolls and 150 one-liter bottles of hand sanitizer. He said the shopper had bought the goods, worth around $10,000, with the help of a “team” of stockpilers when panic buying surged about four weeks ago. “In that conversation [the shopper said] ‘my eBay site has been shut down, so we couldn’t profiteer off that’,” Mr Drake told ABC Radio Adelaide.
BONER CANDIDATE #2:I’M NOT DEAD YET.
In a scene straight out of a George Romero zombie movie, a Paraguay mother miraculously sprang back to life in a body bag after being pronounced dead by doctors earlier that day. Gladys Rodríguez de Duarte, who suffers from ovarian cancer, had been admitted to San Fernando Clinic in Coronel Oviedo on Saturday morning after experiencing a severe spike in blood pressure, reports local newspaper ABC Color. A mere two hours later, her treating physician, Dr. Heriberto Vera, mistakenly declared the 46-year-old woman dead of cervical cancer, and handed a death certificate to her husband and daughter. Undertakers transported what they presumed to be Duarte’s cadaver to Duarte e Hijos funeral home, whereupon they noticed the body moving inside the bag. The “resurrected” patient was rushed to intensive care, where she is currently in “delicate but stable” condition, according to ABC Color.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST
Michael Caputo, the former 2016 campaign adviser to President Donald Trump who was recently appointed the top spokesperson for the Health and Human Services Department, has deleted a number of racist and offensive tweets he published as the coronavirus pandemic spread across the U.S. Caputo deleted all of the tweets on his personal account prior to April 12 and, on Thursday, he directed his followers to the official Twitter account of the HHS assistant secretary for public affairs, the job he now has. But an online archive of Caputo’s deleted tweets from as recent as this month marked by profanity, vitriol against the media, attacks on Democrats and racist remarks against Chinese people throughout the coronavirus outbreak. CNN was the first to report on Caputo’s tweets, which can still be viewed on Internet Archive’s Wayback Machine that takes snapshots of webpages and archives them.
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