Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for March 20th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IF YOU ARE A BONER YOU’LL WANT A PAIR OF THESE

How much would you spend for a dirty-looking pair of shoes? Okay, these shoes from Gucci aren’t actually dirty, but they were made to have a “distressed” look. Oh by the way, a pair of these shoes go for $ 870 . The Gucci Screener Leather Sneaker for men comes in three varieties, and are supposed to resemble a pair of shoes from the 70s. “A pastiche of different influences that span across decades, the Cruise 2019 collection references old school shapes and materials inspired by vintage sportswear,” the product description says. “Influenced by classic trainers from the ’70s, the Screener sneakers—named for the defensive sports move—feature the Web stripe on the side and vintage Gucci logo, treated for an allover distressed effect.” Believe it or not, the athletic shoes have detailed cleaning instructions that include “using only neutral or same-color products to avoid staining.” For women, you’re not out of luck. A less colorful distressed pair of women’s shoes are selling for $790 on Gucci ‘s website.

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Boner Candidate #2: CREATIVE DRUG DEALERS

A Florida couple was arrested last week after they were caught allegedly selling drugs out of a drive-thru window they constructed out of the side of their mobile home. William Parrish Jr. and McKenzee Dobbs of Ocala, Florida, were arrested on August 23 after investigators raided their mobile home following reports of four drug overdoses in the area, WFTV reported. Ocala Police said the couple had turned a kitchen window into a drive-thru so customers would not have to constantly enter and exit their home, potentially drawing unwanted attention, WFTV reported. The house had signs directing people where to drive and indicated whether it was open or closed, police said. “We were seeing some overdose incidents that were happening in this particular area, specifically at this particular location,” said Ocala Police Capt. Steven Cuppy. “There [were] some heroin sales that were going on there. Subsequently, through the investigation, we were able to determine that product was laced with fentanyl.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THE SAVIOR GOT HIS SHOTS SO WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO

Gloria Copeland told her viewers that they won’t catch the flu, because “Jesus himself gave us the flu shot”. Televangelist Gloria Copeland told her viewers this week not to worry about catching the flu. Why? Because Jesus provided his followers with a metaphorical flu shot that will protect them during this particularly dangerous flu season. “Listen partners, we don’t have a flu season,” Gloria Copeland said. “And don’t receive it when somebody threatens you with, ‘Everybody is getting the flu.’ We’ve already had our shot, He bore our sicknesses and carried our diseases. That’s what we stand on.” Praying for those who may already have the flu, Copeland proclaimed, “Flu, I bind you off the people in the name of Jesus. **Jesus himself gave us the flu shot, He redeemed us from the curse of flu.” Those who don’t have the flu, she promised, can protect themselves by simply declaring, “I’ll never have the flu.” “Inoculate yourself with the word of God,”** Copeland advised. At the end of her video, Copeland invited everyone to attend a free faith-healing seminar, apparently just in case they catch the flu after all.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: DO NOT KEEP YOUR GUN IN A SHOE

A man trying to kill a cockroach ended up with a bullet wound in his foot Tuesday morning at a home in the 18700 block of Albion Street in Detroit. Police said the 50-year-old man, who uses a wheelchair, threw his shoe at the cockroach in an effort to kill the bug. However, his revolver was inside the shoe. The gun fell out of the shoe, discharged and a bullet struck him in his foot. His condition is not known at this time.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE STRINGS ON HIS SWEAT PANTS WERE FLYING

Florida man kills time in Social Security Office by masturbating as workers process his federal claims

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Boner Candidate #3: BUMP AND GRIND FOR FOOD STAMPS

The Ohio Liquor Control Commission revoked the liquor permit of Sharkey’s bar, an adult entertainment establishment, effective at the close of business Thursday, after investigators used food stamps to buy lap dances. Agent-in-Charge Michelle Thourot said agents began investigating the Twenty Two Fifty Inc., also known as Sharkey’s, in May 2017. During the investigation, agents were able to purchase drugs and lap dances using food stamp benefits. Throughout the five-month investigation, agents reportedly exchanged $2,404.87 in food stamps to purchase heroin, fentanyl, carfentanil, cocaine, methamphetamines and lap dances. Criminal charges were filed against employees and patrons for drug trafficking, food stamp trafficking, aggravated shipment and distribution of heroin, engaging in a pattern of corrupt activity and illegal sexual activity.

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