Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for May 13th, 2020

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1:OKAY. I SURRENDER. YOU GOT ME.

A motorist from Florida called Oregon State Police to report he’d been shot at while driving on Interstate 5 — but it actually was a tire blowout, troopers said. Now he faces charges after marijuana was found in his car, along with nearly $30,000 in cash, hidden in a package of diapers. Troopers said they received a report shortly before midnight Sunday from a motorist who said he’d been shot at on the freeway in northern Douglas County. They said the driver, later identified as Juan Felipe Moreno, 20, kept driving north for about 20 miles on a flat tire before he was found at a rest area in southern Lane County. “Subsequent investigation revealed the driver was under the influence of marijuana,” OSP said in a news release Wednesday, “and his paranoia led him to believe he had been shot at after a tire on his vehicle had a blowout.” Troopers said they found about 95 grams of marijuana, marijuana items and $29,790 in cash, the latter concealed in a package of diapers.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2:DON’T LET THE WINE GO TO WASTE

It’s not unusual that a person might partake in some wine to help them through these difficult times, but one man’s attempt to imbibe some vino on Tuesday in Turlock went beyond the extreme. Gabriel Moreno, 39, of Hayward attempted to get his fill of wine and then some by drinking it straight out of a tanker truck that was traveling along Highway 99. The imbibing started shortly after noon on Tuesday when a driver of a Cherokee Freight Lines tractor tanker noticed Moreno trying to get his attention. The tanker was on northbound Highway 99, near Fulkerth Road when Moreno pulled his vehicle to the left and started trying to get the Cherokee driver’s attention. Thinking maybe he had a mechanical issue with his combination, the Cherokee driver pulled to the right shoulder of the freeway, said California Highway Patrol spokesman Officer Thomas Olsen. Moreno also pulled over to the shoulder and then proceeded to run to the platform area between the tractor and the tanker. The Cherokee driver told officers he thought this was pretty odd, so he decided to drive away.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3:THE END ALL, BE ALL, RAND PAUL

Sen. Rand Paul tangled with the nation’s foremost COVID-19 public health expert during a Senate committee hearing Tuesday over sending kids back to school and reopening the economy. Speaking during a meeting of the Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, Paul, R-Ky., said it is “ridiculous” to have a national strategy of not sending kids back to school in the fall and attacked Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. Paul said that the COVID-19 mortality rate of children is much lower than adults, and he pointed to Sweden, which has kept schools open for children under 16 and is outside the top 10 countries in the world for COVID-19 deaths per capita. Sweden does, however, have the largest number of COVID-19 cases and fatalities in Scandinavia. “If we keep kids out of school for another year, what’s going to happen is the poor and underprivileged kids who don’t have a parent that’s able to teach them at home are not going to learn for a full year,” Paul said.

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1:SIMULTANEOUS BEER AND SCREWDRIVER ATTACK.

A Vero Beach area couple’s afternoon in the park grilling oysters ended with each in jail on battery charges. According to their statements in Indian River County Sheriff’s Office police reports, 53-year-old Jerry Harris’ weapon of choice was beer and his failed weapon was the beer bottle. Wife Latrece Harris’ weapon of choice was a screwdriver, and not the Absolut-and-Tropicana kind. Jerry was charged with misdemeanor battery and was out after posting $500 bond. Latrece, 44, was charged with felony aggravated battery and was released on her own recognizance. When sheriff’s deputies got to Hobart Park in response to Jerry’s call around 6:45 p.m. May 3, they saw his head wound with a trail of dried blood down to his white Tshirt. Jerry and Latrece both told deputies they’d been grilling oysters in the park when an argument started involving Litisha McGriff, Latrece’s sister. Latrece decided to leave the park with, Jerry said, “find your way back home, I’m leaving.”

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BONER CANDIDATE #2:GETTING DEAD DRUNK

Thirsty thieves who broke into a mortuary during a nationwide booze ban are feared to have stolen gallons of ghostly exhumation fluid to get drunk on. South Africa is into its seventh week of coronavirus lockdown and one of the most hated restrictions is the total prohibition of buying or selling any type of alcohol. The nation has gone home brew mad stripping supermarkets of pineapples in their tens of thousands a day to just to make a potent tropical beer they can get a hit from. But in the latest incredible twist it would seem desperate drinkers forced their way into the Rest in Peace Funeral Parlour in Clocolan in Free State Province to get pickled. They stole four gallons of the of 97 per cent proof exhumation liquid contained in two 2kg bottles which is usually used to preserve body parts if dead bodies have to be dug up. Police spokesperson Brigadier Motansi Makhele said the burglars had broken down the roller blinds of the mortuary first to gain entrance then broken into a steel cabinet.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3:DOES COVID SMELL LIKE FABREEZE?

Two Florida teenagers busted for “running around Walmart coughing” and spraying workers and customers with Febreze told cops they were “just trying to be funny and make their videos for YouTube,” according to an arrest affidavit. Responding Saturday evening to a report of disturbance at Walmart, cops located two suspects who had driven away from the Vero Beach business in a pickup truck. The suspects–Amos Troublefield and Antonio Green, both 18-were captured on store surveillance footage “recording themselves coughing” while spraying Febreze from under their armpits “onto customers in the store.” The spraying of air freshener on a victim was apparently intended to replicate the expulsion of droplets from a mouth during a cough. When questioned, Troublefield and Green told police that they were recording a YouTube video depicting them “pretending to cough on somebody but actually spraying them with Febreze.” When a cop asked the teens why they “would be coughing on people during a pandemic (COVID-19) they advised they were just trying to be funny and make their videos for YouTube.”

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