Round One
Boner Candidate #1: THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THE 2020 ELECTIONS
David Andahl, a North Dakota “Trump Republican” running for his state legislature, appeared to win his election on Tuesday night. There was only one problem: Andahl died due to complications from COVID-19 back in October, Fox 9 reports. Though Andahl was still listed on the ballot, the Republican Party will appoint his replacement now that he’s evidently won. “If a deceased candidate receives the majority of the votes, the candidate is elected,” North Dakota Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem has previously explained. “However, if the prevailing candidate has died, the candidate is no longer qualified and a vacancy will exist. State law provides the process to fill vacancies of a legislative office.” Andahl was 55, and died just four days after showing symptoms for the disease; he was known as “Dakota Dave,” due to his love of his state, his obituary said. His odd victory is a tragic reminder that election day was held in the midst of a raging pandemic, with at least 1,130 new coronavirus deaths and 92,410 new cases reported nationally on Tuesday.
Boner Candidate #2: WELL, I HOPE HE WAS GROUNDED.
King County, WA — A teenager who took the keys to the family minivan crashed into a power pole and caused an outage for a King County neighborhood last week, the sheriff’s office said. Deputies were dispatched around 4 p.m. Oct. 26 to a report of vehicle theft in the 21500 block of SE 298 Place. The residence was in unincorporated King County near Kent. The caller said her 15-year-old son broke into a bedroom and stole cash and keys to the family’s car, officials said. The boy then drove off in the car with a friend. The teen’s mother tracked his phone to the Black Diamond area. A Covington deputy was nearby and found the boy and the car. The deputy turned on the car’s emergency lights and tried to stop the van, but the teenager tried to drive away. The boy accelerated toward the road’s shoulder, swerved and hit a power pole. The accident knocked out power for a large part of the neighborhood. The teenager was detained shortly after, and claiming his foot slipped off the brake as he was pulling to the side of the road, according to officials.
Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS NOT THE SORT OF BEHAVIOR WE EXPECT FROM OUR FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS
Dallas, TX — This is the kind of thing that would have worked in the cartoons. Two American Airlines passengers were booted from a flight after one allegedly tried sneaking into first class — where she tried to hide under the other’s seat for the duration of the trip. The story, which was originally shared on FlyerTalk by a fellow passenger, concerns an American Airlines flight scheduled to depart from Dallas to Miami on Oct. 30. The flight was already delayed due to an incident with a catering truck, the witness claims, when a woman from coach came into the first-class section to speak with a friend. The witness alleges that the woman from coach then attempted to crouch down and hide in the footwell of her friend’s seat, directly underneath the television display. “Apparently the plan was for this woman’s friend to remain there the entire flight as it’s something they thought would drive viewers to their ‘YouTube Channel,’” the passenger wrote. Flight attendants soon noticed an empty seat in coach where the prankster passenger should have been, the witness says. Others in her section allegedly told the crew that the woman had walked into first class.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE. SHE’S A NUT CASE
DUCHESNE COUNTY, Utah — Officials in one Utah county are investigating a report of a woman who stood outside a state polling location Tuesday and turned voters away. A woman on Facebook posted information on the woman who allegedly was outside the one Duchesne County polling location and told voters to leave. According to the social media post, the woman was not an election employee and was removed from the area. JoAnn Evans, the Clerk-Auditor of Duchesne County, told FOX 13 the Duchesne County Sheriff’s Office was investigating the report. Throughout Election Day, there have been very few reports of voter intimidation in Utah.
Boner Candidate #2: A SPECTACULARLY UNSUCCESSFUL DINE AND DASH
British Columbia, CANADA — Police in British Columbia say they ended up making a surprisingly easy capture in a dine-and-dash incident. When officers from the Burnaby Royal Canadian Mounted Police responded to a local restaurant, a manager told them a customer had climbed into the ceiling in the bathroom and was attempting to escape without paying her bill, reports the Daily Dot. As the officers gathered in the kitchen to suss things out, the suspect fell from the ceiling and landed conveniently right in front of them. See the cops’ tweeted video. The unidentified woman wasn’t injured, and the restaurant ended up not pressing charges.
Boner Candidate #3: WHAT, EXACTLY WERE YOU BLOKES DOING IN THERE?
Essex County, UK – Three men had to be rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in a tumble dryer. Essex County Fire and Rescue Service were called to a derelict laundry mat in Bower Hill, Epping, on Friday after the men, thought to be in their late teens, crawled into an industrial-sized dryer. Two were in the dryer when the third’s “ankles became trapped in the door” as he crawled in, the service said. The men were left in the care of the ambulance service. Essex Police, the Helicopter Medical Emergency Service (HEMS) and the East of England Ambulance Service’s Hazardous Area Response Team (HART) also attended the incident, which happened at about 18:35 GMT. Fire service watch manager Glenn Jackson said crews had to help the third man into the tumble dryer before being able to remove the door and release all three. “We used a range of equipment to free the casualty’s ankles and allow him to crawl into the tumble dryer,” he said. “The HEMS team gave him pain relief and we then managed to move the door, again using a range of equipment, so the men could crawl out.”
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