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Boner Preview Candidates for August 14, 2015

Boner Candidate #1 ITS THE DOG YOU SHOULD ARREST; THE DOG I TELL YOU

A 33-year-old Sumter County motorist who allegedly struck an apartment complex blamed the accident on her dog and said it was the pooch that police should have arrested. According to Wildwood police, witnesses said the woman left after hitting the building, then entered her Huey Street apartment. Officers found Christina Anne Marie Lamoreaux of Wildwood, who admitted she was driving when her vehicle struck the building, but she blamed the crash on her dog.She said police should arrest the dog and added that she drove away because she had planned to pay for the damage.

Police added Lamoreaux smalled of alcohol and appeared confused. When they tried to get her to take a sobriety test, she refused, became hostile and resisted officers’ attempts to arrest her. Lamoreaux was charged with DUI, hit and run involving property damage and resisting arrest. She was released from the Sumter County jail after posting a $2,500 bond.

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Boner Candidate #2 JUST FLIP THAT MATTRESS OVER

A group of African-American workers has filed a lawsuit against their former employer at the Days Inn hotel on Fletcher Avenue in Tampa claiming they faced discrimination and other hardships on the job. In one case, an employee said she was forced to flip over a mattress where a guest had died in preparation for the next guest to check in.The suit says that plaintiff, Charlena Williams, had previously filed a complaint with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration after she was forced to clean a hotel room where a body was found in July 2014. Williams claims in the suit that the hotel did not use proper health and safety measures to clean blood, vomit and other fluids from the room before booking new guests to stay there. Williams also said that instead of replacing the mattress where the body was found, she was instructed just to flip it over. The suit does not mention the outcome of the earlier OSHA complaint. But agency records show that OSHA issued the employer, Stickbay Inc., five serious citations the following December that totaled $13,685 in penalties. At least three of the citations were related to having employees handle “contaminated” linens and towels, and failing to make hepatitis B vaccines available to employees who were exposed to the body.

The lawsuit, filed July 30 in Hillsborough Circuit Court by Williams and 11 other former employees, accuses the local hotel franchise owner, Stickbay president Jamil Kassim, of employment discrimination. The former employees say Kassim used racial slurs to describe them, and managers at the hotel told the employees they were going to be fired based on their race. They were all fired during the summer of last year, the suit states.

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Boner Candidate #3 IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET HIT BY A DINNER ROLE, DON’T GO TO A PLACE WHERE THEY THROW DINNER ROLES

Missouri may soon have its own version of the infamous Liebeck v. McDonald’s Restaurantshot-coffee lawsuit. Lambert’s Cafe, the Sikeston-based restaurant chain proudly known as the “Home of Throwed Rolls,” featuring servers who lob dinner rolls across the dining hall to guests, is being sued for a roll-related injury.

The suit was filed yesterday against the Sikeston restaurant by University City-based attorneyWilliam Meehan on behalf of a guy gal named Troy Tucker. Tucker claims she “sustained a lacerated cornea with a vitreous detachment and all head, neck, eyes and vision were severely damaged” after being hit by a roll during a September 2014 visit. The practice of throwing rolls is deemed a “defective condition” of Lambert’s, and the suit claims that the restaurant knew (or should have known) about the danger of this practice.

Tucker now seeks an award of at least $25,000 to pay for her medical bills and legal fees. The restaurant’s “carelessness and negligence” has already caused expenses totaling $10,000, the suit alleges, and who knows what future medical costs may emerge from the assault of the freshly baked bread. But we have to wonder how much of a case Tucker has. After all, in June, the Kansas City Royals and their mascot were deemed not to have been at fault after a thrown hot dog hit a man in the face and tore his retina. In that case the “baseball rule” was referenced, and the jury found that the man assumed some responsibility for personal awareness by entering a baseball stadium.

Might the “throwed roll rule” become established legal precedent? After all, “Home of Throwed Rolls” is plastered on massive billboards all over the state. Shouldn’t diners at Lambert’s be responsible for some level of situational awareness when entering the restaurant?And if not, does that mean the end to throwed rolls in Missouri? What kind of country are we living in when a restaurant can’t toss a freshly baked dinner roll at a man’s head?

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Boner Candidate #4 GOAT MAN

Some people use their vacation time to go to Disney World. Thomas Thwaites used his to become a goat.

Having commissioned prosthetic limbs in order to make the experience more authentic, the England-based designer lived among a goat herd for three days in September 2014. An exhibition of Thwaites’ work with the goats will be made available to the public in London next month. Thwaites told Mashable in an email that the project came out of a desire to simplify his life; to take a vacation from his problems. “My goal was to take a holiday from the pain and worry of being a self-conscious being, able to regret the past and worry about the future,” he said.

Aside from the prosthetics, Thwaites prepared by studying the cognitive and physical aspects of what it’s like to literally be a goat. He visited a behavioral psychologist and neurologist to study “turning off” parts of his brain in order to think more like a goat. He spoke to an expert in animal locomotion to nail down their movement. Even further, he met with a biologist to see about making an artificial rumen (a part of the goat’s stomach) in order to digest grass.  To put it simply: He did not take this lightly. According to Motherboard, the farmer whose herd was grazing with Thwaites thought that the goats had accepted him.

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Boner Candidate #5 THIS GUN RANGE IS A MUSLIM-FREE ZONE

A gun range in Oktaha, a small town near Muskogee, has joined a growing list of U.S. businesses that advertise themselves as “Muslim-free.” Gun range manager Chad Neal, a medically discharged veteran who was deployed to Iraq in 2003, said last month’s shooting at the military recruiting station in Chattanooga, Tenn., prompted him to hang the sign in the door of the business, called Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear. “I didn’t want any terrorists, or Muslims, cult, whatever you want to call them, training on my gun range,” Neal said. “There is a military recruiting station in the mall in Muskogee, and I thought this was one thing I could do to help protect our local soldiers.” The Council on American-Islamic Relations tracks businesses that ban Muslims, and it called for the U.S. Department of Justice to investigate. “It is clear to us that the establishment of Muslim-free zones is a violation of the law,” said Nihad Awad, executive director of CAIR. “There are clear laws that prohibit discrimination based on religion. This kind of thing is in violation of the U.S. Constitution and the American spirit of respect for the rule of law.” Awad called the equating of Muslims with terrorists “beyond ignorant.” He said that there are individuals in many faiths who commit terrorist acts. Neal and his fiancée, Nicole Mayhorn, opened the store in December; Mayhorn is the owner. He described the couple as “Christian Constitutionalists who love the country.” The sign says, “This privately owned business is a Muslim free establishment, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. Thank you.”

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Boner Candidate #6 AM I IMPAIRED? NO DOUBT.

A man who was speeding in reverse, had his zipper down and told St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputies, “There is no doubt that I am impaired,” got locked up, an affidavit states. Deputies about 2:35 a.m. July 11 reported a man later identified as Steven Nichols, 64, pulled in the parking lot of an abandoned building at Naco Road and North U.S. 1 north of Fort Pierce. Nichols, driving a Nissan utility vehicle, revved the engine and started speeding in reverse, which is the opposite of forward. He nearly crashed into a concrete pillar. Deputies spoke to Nichols, who had a pack of beer in the front seat. Investigators saw an open Budweiser in the cup holder, but Nichols denied it was there. He said he went to the gym, then a bar in Stuart and quaffed “at least” three drinks. He said he was trying to get home to Virginia, which is approximately 800 miles away. He said he “needed to be here” and wanted to “detox himself mentally” before going home. Before Nichols participated in field sobriety exercises, deputies noticed his zipper was down and his genitals exposed. As Nichols, of Jensen Beach, took field sobriety exercises, he said, “There is no doubt that I am impaired.”

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