Boner of the Day

Boner Preview Candidates for December 1, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: YOU MAY NOT FEED THE HOMELESS

The Kansas City Health Department put the kibosh on Kookers Kare’s attempts to feed the homeless. The American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue is a longstanding tradition for community members of Kansas City, Missouri. Since 1899, the event has attracted the most talented barbecue chefs from all corners of the state, who gather annually to show off their skills. With so many BBQ experts in one place, there tends to be a fair amount of leftover food once the festivities come to a close. This year, the two groups collected over 3,000 pounds of meat and 1,200 pounds of sides, all bound for a local nonprofit organization called Hope City, where it was to be served to over 3,000 homeless citizens in need. However, the Kansas City Health Department put the kibosh on Kookers Kare’s attempts to feed the homeless before anyone was even able to enjoy the food. Claiming they had no foreknowledge of this charitable tradition, the health department forbid the food from being served to the needy. Suspiciously, the inspectors just happened to be doing a random inspection of Hope City the day the BBQ arrived. “All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Kansas City Health Department Operations Manager Joe Williamson said in response to the department’s decision to stop the food from being consumed.

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Boner Candidate #2: GEEZE SORE LOSER

When Greek bodybuilder Giannis Magos came in second at a recent competition, he was frustrated. So frustrated that he apparently smacked down one of the judges. Magos competed in the 2016 International Federation of Body Building Diamond Cup in Athens this past weekend, coming in first in the 100kg division. However, he only came in second overall, the third such placement in recent competitions, according to Evolution of Bodybuilding, a news website covering the sport.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR FACE

The attorney representing a teenager and his mother wants the principal at Woodland Hills High School fired or at least reprimanded after a recording surfaced of him allegedly berating the boy. The 14-year-old student says the principal often harasses him and allegedly speaks to him in a threatening manner, using expletives and on one occasion, the teen recorded it. The recording was made back in April while the boy was being reprimanded for a previous incident. During the incident, the principal is allegedly caught on the recording saying, “I’ll punch you right in your face, dude.” According to the family’s attorney, Todd Hollis, there were several other incidents involving the boy and principal, Kevin Murray. Reportedly, no one believed the teen, and his mother had gone to several police departments for help.

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Boner Candidate #4: THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE WHO’S THE BEST GRANDMA

A child custody swap between two grandmothers led to a shootout outside of a Dallas Walmart that left one woman wounded, authorities said. The two women met to transfer custody of their mutual grandchild around 5:30 p.m. Sunday. An ensuing argument turned violent, Dallas police said. Janice Brown, 53, allegedly pulled out a gun and shot Carla Hawkins, 55, in her neck, leaving her with injuries that were not life-threatening, police said in a statement. An off-duty Fannin County officer responded to the scene. Brown allegedly shot at the officer, and he returned fire. No one was harmed during that exchange, police said.

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Boner Candidate #5: TAKE A PICTURE OF MY BUTT. TAKE IT NOW.

A drunken Miami Beach tourist who claimed a bouncer smacked her buttocks at a clothing-optional bar on Duval Street demanded a Key West police officer photograph her alleged injury inside a restroom, reports state. So he did. “Without prompting she lifted her dress, pulled her underwear down to her knees and bent over at the waist,” wrote Officer Antonio Avrelio Ane about the 1 a.m. Nov. 20 incident. “I told [the woman] to pull her underwear up however she ignored me and left her underwear around her knees.” Ane said he had to yell at Meieli Sawyer, 20, who was in town with Hayden Bean, 45, to get her to put her clothes back on as they stood inside the restroom at the Bull and Whistle bar, 224 Duval St.

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Boner Candidate #6: CRIKEY. I HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF A MURDER

A good Samaritan in Australia may be feeling like a boob after mistaking a jellyfish for a breast implant ― especially after he told police he believed the blob might be evidence of a murder. The concerned citizen showed up at the police station in Maroochydore, Queensland, with what he told authorities may be evidence of a possible homicide. He handed over a bag containing a round, slimy bubble that he had assumed was a breast implant from a female victim. Officers, “much to their initial alarm,” quickly got to work on the case, a statement on the police department’s website explained. It added: “Investigations revealed what police suspected … the item was indeed a jellyfish.”

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