Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for December 12, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

Police say two would-be good Samaritans are fortunate to be alive after they were stabbed by a teenager they had stopped to help on State Street. The bizarre incident began around 11:30 p.m. Wednesday on State Street near 300 North where a 20-year-old Provo man and 19-year-old woman saw a teen who appeared to be “staggering” and “incoherent,” said Orem Police Lt. Craig Martinez. The boyfriend and girlfriend decided the man probably needed help, Martinez said. “They actually did a U-turn and turned around to try to help this young man to see if he needed anything, because it was obvious to them that something was wrong,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #2: I GUESS THERE IS A CERTAIN TRAGIC AND POETIC JUSTICE TO THIS ONE

A man has been stabbed to death at a party remembering the life of a man who was killed in a knife attack a day earlier. The man, aged 38, was found with stab wounds to his chest in Sneinton in Nottingham in the early hours of this morning. It came just a day after his friend Martin Maughan, 27, was found with a stab wound in Sneinton at just after 6am on Saturday.  He also later died from his injuries. It is understood the two victims were friends, and the second was having a party to celebrate the life of his pal when he was stabbed.

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Boner Candidate #3: MAKE SURE THAT STIFF IS CLEAN BEFORE THEY PICK IT UP.

Staff at a Veterans Affairs hospital in the Tampa Bay, Florida area left a body in a shower for nine hours after a veteran died and proper pickup procedures to the morgue weren’t followed. The Tampa Bay Times on Sunday reported that an internal investigation concluded that staff at the Bay Pines VA Healthcare System failed to provide appropriate post-mortem care to the veteran’s body. The investigative report said that leaving the body unattended for so long increased the chance of decomposition. The unnamed veteran died in February after spending time in hospice care. The hospital’s Administrative Investigation Board ordered retraining for staff. Hospital spokesman Jason Dangel said hospital officials view what happened as unacceptable but have implemented changes to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

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Boner Candidate #4: I FIGURE IF IT WORKS ON ME IT WILL WORK ON THE BABY.

A Virginia woman has been charged with child abuse after authorities say she tried to calm a 3-month-old baby by administering the opiate methadone. The Manassas City Police Department said Friday that the baby was admitted to a local hospital on Dec. 3 in respiratory distress. Tests showed the infant was under the influence of methadone, which is used for controlling opioid addiction. Police spokeswoman Adrienne Helms tells the Washington Post an investigation revealed 31-year-old Jessica F. Nicholson orally administered the drug in an attempt to calm the baby. Police didn’t say if Nicholson and the child, who is expected to recover, were related.

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Boner Candidate #5: I’VE GOT SOME AD SPACE FOR SALE HERE.

A New Zealand beauty wants to improve her bottom line — by auctioning off tattooed ad space on her backside. Bailey Price — a self-confessed “public mooner” and surf-shop worker from Wellington — said she’s floating the offer so she can get “out of debt,” The Sun of the UK reported. “I’m a pretty wild girl, so most people who know me wouldn’t be surprised that I’m offering the winner of this auction to have anything tattooed on my butt,” Price wrote on her Trade Me listing. “Obviously, tattoos are forever, so who could say no to a lifetime of advertisement. I am also well known for mooning my butt in public, lol,” the 20-year-old ­heinie honey added.

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Boner Candidate #6: OKAY SHE’S MORALLY INNOCENT….THROW HER IN PRISON.

The lawyer for a Calgary woman who treated her son with holistic remedies before he died of a strep infection says his client was a good mother and is “morally innocent.” Tamara Lovett, who is 47, is accused of failing to provide the necessaries of life and with criminal negligence causing death. Her seven-year-old son, Ryan Alexander Lovett, died in March 2013 after getting an infection that kept him bedridden for 10 days. Alberta’s chief medical examiner testified that the boy’s body was full of group A streptococcus, which caused most of his major organs to fail.

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