Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for November 10th, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: COURT? OH, I’M SORRY. MY PHONE RANG AGAIN.

A man accused of leaving his loaded gun in a restroom at Salt Lake Community College was booked into jail this week for failing to show up to court. The 40-year-old West Jordan man was charged in October with possession of a firearm on school property, a class A misdemeanor. On Sept. 8, a handgun “with one round in the chamber and a full magazine” was found in a men’s restroom at Salt Lake Community College’s Redwood Road campus, 4600 S. Redwood Road, according to charging documents. As a Utah Highway Patrol trooper was investigating the incident, the trooper received a call from the gun owner saying that he was just finishing using the restroom when his phone rang, and then he absent-mindedly walked out of the restroom while talking on his phone without his gun, the charges state.

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Boner Candidate #2: DIG HIM UP

An Oceanside man who died of natural causes in September was elected to office in the coastal San Diego County city more than a month later, officials confirmed Wednesday. Gary Ernst was elected to Oceanside City Treasurer by a six percent margin over challenger Nadine Scott. The election results are expected to be certified on December 7th by the city council.

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Boner Candidate #3: A’COURSE I SHOT HIM. HE CHOMPED UP MY CHOMPERS.

According to a criminal complaint, on Tuesday deputies contacted Gillispie after a complaint of animal cruelty. Deputies say Gillispie told them he shot his dog because it chewed up his expensive dentures. When deputies arrived at Gillispie’s home on West Main Street, they say they found the small white dog dead inside a cage on the front porch. The dog was shot twice in the face and died from the injuries, according to the criminal complaint. Deputies say Gillispie told them the dog was annoying and frequently chewed up his stuff.

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Boner Candidate #4: ASIDE FROM THE ROBBERY IT WAS A NORMAL DELIVERY.

Orange County deputies are looking for a man they say stole a pregnant woman’s necklace as she walked on a sidewalk while in labor. The robbery happened about 10:30 a.m. Oct. 24 on Long Road near Point Lookout Road. It was Julienne Antoine’s due date. The Orange County woman’s necklace was taken in between contractions — and hours later, she gave birth. Now, detectives are asking for help tracking down the robber. “I just couldn’t believe it,” Antoine said. “Who robs a pregnant woman?”

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Boner Candidate #5: WELL IT IS AN ANATOMY CLASS.

Filmed by one of the students, a video shows the lecturer knocking about the auditorium in the buff.  The lecture was about Histology – the study of microscopic anatomy. It is unclear whether the prof was having a meltdown or simply wanted to give lesson to remember. In front of him, some sickened female students can be seen grabbing their study items and coats and running out of the lecture hall.

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Boner Candidate #6: HE BETRAYED HIS CAUSE

After a season of high-profile protesting, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has revealed that he did not vote in the 2016 election. When asked if he had already voted Tuesday, Kaepernick told reporters no, according to San Francisco Chronicle reporter Eric Branch. When asked if he planned to at all, his response was the same. “To me, it didn’t really matter who went in there,” Kaepernick told reporters Wednesday. “The system still remains intact that oppresses people of color.”

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