Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for November 22, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: WHEN YOU NEED SOME CRACK YOU NEED SOME CRACK MAN

TORRINGTON, CT — Police said a man stole a valuable coin collection from his father and put it through a Coinstar machine at a local supermarket in order to get money to buy crack cocaine. Police said Leonard Rinaldi, 53, of Torrington, was  arrested on larceny charges in connection with the theft of thousands of dollars worth of valuable coins from his father.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE REALLY DON’T LIKE BUSCH LIGHT

Treasure Island, FL — Unable to locate the restroom at a 7-Eleven, a Florida man opted instead to relieve himself in the store’s walk-in cooler, where a stack of Busch beer was defiled by the tipsy suspect, police charge. According to cops, Daniel Colon, 46, entered the Treasure Island convenience store around 7:30 PM Saturday looking for a bathroom. When that search failed, Colon opened a door marked “Employees Only,” a criminal complaint alleges.

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Boner Candidate #3: WELL, I NEEDED MONEY

YOKOHAMA – A Yokohama man was arrested Monday after admitting he stole a company president’s wallet during a job interview earlier this month. “I wanted to work for that company, but since I haven’t got a job I needed money,” Shogo Takeda, 24, said in owning up to the charges, according to the police.

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Boner Candidate #4: TEACHING IN NEW YORK CAN BE VERY PHYSICAL

An Upper West Side special needs teacher says she was beaten up by a mother she reported to authorities for suspected child neglect — and now the educator is suing the city for failing to protect her. Former PS 84 teacher Jennifer Golian, 29, was reluctant to report Jennifer DeJesus to authorities in June 2015 when her two kids started arriving late to school reeking of marijuana, her Manhattan federal court lawsuit alleges.

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Boner Candidate #5: I TOLE YOU THERE WAS NO TACO BELL MONEY. I TOLE YOU.

A young man in Tennessee is accused of beating his own mother with a hockey stick because her credit card was declined at Taco Bell.

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Boner Candidate #6: THERE REALLY IS NO UNDERESTIMATING THE STUPIDITY OF SOME PEOPLE.

WASHINGTON — Days before the presidential election, James Alefantis, owner of a local pizza restaurant called Comet Ping Pong, noticed an unusual spike in the number of his Instagram followers. Within hours, menacing messages like “we’re on to you” began appearing in his Instagram feed. In the ensuing days, hundreds of death threats — one read “I will kill you personally” — started arriving via texts, Facebook and Twitter. All of them alleged something that made Mr. Alefantis’s jaw drop: that Comet Ping Pong was the home base of a child abuse ring led by Hillary Clinton and her campaign chief, John D. Podesta.

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