Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for November 7th, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: FEEDING THE HOMELESS

A San Antonio police officer is fired after bragging to his partner he gave a homeless person a feces sandwich. The department identifies the officer as Matthew Luckhurst, who had been on the force five years. In an exclusive interview, SAPD Chief William McManus disavowed the officer’s alleged behavior. “It’s a disgrace to the department. It’s a disgrace to the badge,” he said. “It’s an attack on dignity, human dignity.”

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Boner Candidate #2: NO MAGAZINES HUH? NO MAGAZINES? I’LL SHOW YOU!

A woman intentionally set two fires in front of a Salt Lake home and then tried to block a fire engine as it arrived after a resident declined to buy magazines she was selling door-to-door, according to charges filed Friday. Aerica Velria-Latan Johnson, 19, is charged in 3rd District Court with lighting various items on fire Tuesday in front of a home in the area of 1400 East and Downington Avenue after her would-be customers told her they were “not interested in purchasing her magazines,” court documents say. Johnson is charged with aggravated arson, a first-degree felony; arson, interference with a public servant and interference with an arresting officer, all class B misdemeanors; and disorderly conduct, a class C misdemeanor.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU MADE MY BABY LATE FOR SCHOOL

A school bus full of horrified youngsters watched helplessly as a Cincinnati mother beat up their bus driver after her daughter missed a ride to school. According to police reports obtained by CNC, Keisha Shannon pulled out in front of the bus en route to St. Joseph’s Catholic School, blocking it with her car before prying open the doors and screaming at the bus driver, Deamber Martin, who refused to let her daughter board the bus late. “That was so ignorant,” the 28-year-old mother can be heard screaming in newly released footage from the bus’ security camera. “Did you see me coming on this bus though, right? You see me getting my baby on this though right?”

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Boner Candidate #4: HE WAS PROUD OF THE KILL

A St. Louis mother is demanding answers after a photo surfaced that appears to depict the scene of her son’s death. Her attorney calls the photo: “hideous.” On August 8, 2016, Kim Staton’s son, 28-year-old Omar Rahman, was found dead in a home in Pine Lawn. The North County Police Cooperative responded. The Medical Examiner has since ruled it an accidental drug overdose. But Staton says ever since her son’s death, she’s heard little from police. “I really don’t know, actually, what happened to my son,” she said.

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Boner Candidate #5: NOT VERY BRIGHT

When there’s smoke, there’s fire. When there’s fire, you should probably get the hell out of there. But if you’re Australian man Kevin Kwok, you might want to get yourself a rather dangerous-looking selfie instead. Just be prepared to get slightly burnt on social media. Kwok was driving to Port Macquarie, located in the northern parts of the state of New South Wales Saturday, when he noticed flames on both sides of the road. Turns out he had driven straight into a bushfire, a.k.a. an Australian forest fire, which had hit the Kundabung area.

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Boner Candidate #6: HEY I JUST NEEDED A LITTLE INFO

A Rock Hill man has been arrested after authorities say he drunkenly called 911 twice to ask irrelevant questions that included, “How many legs does an octopus have?” Citing jail records, 69-year-old John D. Barron was charged Thursday with unlawful use of 911 and resisting police. A police report says Barron first called the dispatchers late Wednesday asking about octopus anatomy. Officers responded to Barron’s home and found him to be very intoxicated. They warned him not to call 911 again unless it was for an emergency, but a short time later Barron did just that, this time wondering “if the Russian alphabet was the same as the English alphabet.”

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