Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for November 9th, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: AND A BOTTLE OF PETROLEUM JELLY WAS FOUND IN THE BACK SEAT.

A man was caught masturbating to a pornographic video on Sunday while parked in a Save-A-Lot parking lot, according to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office. A female witness flagged down a deputy who was patrolling the area around 5:30 p.m. and told him she had seen a man inside a green Toyota truck watching a pornographic video and masturbating with the window down, according to the arrest affidavit.

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Boner Candidate #2: OH. THERE IT IS.

A man who went diving for sea cucumbers got more than he bargained for when he swam straight into a missing nuclear bomb. But so unexpected was Sean Smyrichinsky’s find, off the western coast of Canada, that he initially thought it was a UFO. Now the Canadian navy has been dispatched to see if the diver’s explosive claims stack up and he really has found an errant atomic bomb. If proved right, Smyrichinsky may have inadvertently solved one of the biggest mysteries of the Cold War — what happened to a nuclear bomb jettisoned by a US aircraft in 1950 just before it crashed.

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Boner Candidate #3: COME ON MAN GIVE A GUY A CHANCE AT LEAST.

Dramatic video from the UK captures a one-armed man hopping on one leg and swinging his prosthetic leg at his opponent, who snatches the limb and uses it to club his disabled foe. “I ain’t even got a f—ing leg on you, p–y!” the man shouts after his leg dropped out of his sweatpants. “I ain’t got my leg on! Let me stand up on two legs!” But he loses control over his leg, which is snatched up by his opponent, who swings it like a baseball bat.

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Boner Candidate #4: YOU SMELL SOMETHING? NO. IT’S YOUR IMAGINATION….GO TO SLEEP.

Hotel guests were oblivious for days that there was a corpse wrapped up in plastic underneath their bed. Police in Mexico City believe the woman’s body had been there for at least a week when it was discovered at Hotel El Senador. The foul smell eventually led staff to look under the bed and make the gruesome discovery.

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Boner Candidate #5: GOT A BUTT FULL OF PUCKS.

Did a Barrhaven man, rightly or wrongly mocked around the world, actually steal $180,000 in gold from the Royal Canadian Mint by smuggling the precious metal in his rectum? We’ll have a better idea Wednesday when Ontario Justice Peter Doody rules on five theft-related charges against Leston Lawrence, 35, a Mint worker accused of slipping gold nuggets — called pucks — past high-end security checks and out of the fortress-like building in 2014 and 2015. Lawrence, now fired, is also charged with possession of stolen property, laundering the proceeds of crime and breach of trust in what the Crown alleges was the ultimate inside job: “secreting the gold” inside his body.

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Boner Candidate #6: BONER OF THE DAY WINNERS…THESE AND OTHER WOULD BE ASSASSINS.

“Someone really ought to assassinate [candidate]”

“Can somebody take one for the team and assassinate [candidate]?”

“If they get elected, [candidate] is going to get assassinated”

Tweets like these, and unimaginative variations thereof, exist for both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton and her opponent Republican Donald Trump. And they’ve only gotten more frequent in the past 24 hours, as this election cycle comes to a gasping, sputtering close. The difference between someone ought to and I will in these instances, as a representative from the US Secret Service pointed out in a phone call with Gizmodo, is that while the former would be considered “an incident,” the latter is a federal crime. Full stop. As Mashable reported back in March, tweets of this nature have gotten users a visit from the agency in the past.

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