Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 10, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: WELL IT IS NOW CLEAR WHO GETS MY VOTE FOR GOV.

A Utah businessman is making an impassioned appeal to voters in hopes of being elected governor. “Super” Dell Schanze, famous for his unusual Totally Awesome Computer commercials, is warning voters that if they vote for anyone other than him they will “face the judgments of God.”

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Boner Candidate #2: PAYSON BOYS ARE UNCONTROLLABLE

What does it say to Payson High School girls when 350 show up to a mandatory assembly on relationships during school hours, while only 25 PHS boys show up to a voluntary after-school session? And with date rape and sexual assault an ongoing problem, should a speaker warn girls that boys can’t control their sexual urges while giving boys humorous tips on getting a second date? The sessions on dating sent a lopsided message — making girls responsible for the sexual behavior of boys, said some parents.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE’S FINE. HE JUST HAS ALLERGIES.

A Pennsylvania mother has been charged with child endangerment after investigators found her 11-month-old son allegedly malnourished after being fed only nuts and fruit. CBS Pittsburgh reported that 33-year-old Elizabeth Hawk followed a strict vegan diet and sometimes imposed her extreme nutrition views to her family members. “She was going to live on water and sunlight,” Hawk’s sister-in-law Brandy Hawk recalled her saying, according to the news station.

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Boner Candidate #4: COME ON! WHO’S FOR A LITTLE MORE EXCITEMENT DURING THE HURRICANE!

A Minneola man seeking an extra thrill during Hurricane Matthew was arrested after doing burnouts in his truck around reporters in Daytona Beach.  20-year-old Brandon Ware was arrested early Friday morning for reckless driving and booked into the Volusia County Branch Jail. The t-shirt Ware was wearing was explicit and ironic reading “(expletive) speeding tickets”.

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Boner Candidate #5: THE BOY’S GOT A LIGHTER HABIT

Emergency crews rushed to an apartment fire in New Castle Saturday morning. Assistant Fire Chief David Joseph said a man was in the laundry room of an apartment in the 200 block of West Lincoln Avenue when he heard a commotion upstairs. When he got to the second floor, it was full of smoke. The man rescued his 3-year-old daughter and went back inside for his 4-year-old son.

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Boner Candidate #6: I DON’T THINK THE NEIGHBORS LIKE YOU.

A Jonesboro man discovered Thursday morning someone had vandalized his property not with spray paint or a marker but with a lawn mower, said Craighead County sheriff’s office criminal investigator John Varner. The 69-year-old man told police the words “F*** You” had been mowed into the yard in front of his shop building near his house on County Road 333, Varner said.

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