Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 17, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THE HERO WE DON’T DESERVE, OR NEED

A Halfmoon man allegedly broke into his neighbor’s house to save the family dog from a fire, Thursday night. However, there was no fire. Troopers say he was on LSD and hallucinating.
Troopers say 43-year-old Michael Orchard of Inglewood Drive told them he mixed LSD with cough medicine Thursday afternoon and they found him, standing heroically with a dog in his arms outside of what he thought was a giant inferno. “He believed that the residence was on fire and he was rescuing the dog,” said Trooper Mark Cepiel, Troop G Spokesperson.

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Boner Candidate #2: EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS A BONER

A Nottinghamshire woman is thrilled after paying more than £400 for the ‘pickled’ earlobes of a circus performer. Hannibal Hellmurto, from the Circus of Horrors group, stretched his earlobes to 62mm as part of a wider ‘body modification programme’, which included tattoos, a forked tongue, floating ribs and teeth made from the ivory of a mammoth. As the skin around his earlobes began to thin, however, and not even superglue could keep them together, he says his only course of action was to have them cut off and stitched back together. But when someone suggested purchasing the detached lobes, he decided to pickle them in a jar and put them up for sale by auction. Sarah Martin, of Kirkby-in-Ashfield, won the auction, buying the lobes for £460.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE PAIN OF LIVING IN POO TOWN

A woman in Winchcombe, Gloucestershire, says she feels unable to leave her house due to the copious amounts of dog poo on the street. Lisa Armstrong, mother of six-month old Elizabeth Parsons, said that each time she returns to her house after walking around town she is forced to clean poo off the pram’s wheels. She says the poo is all over town’s pavements. Lisa, 39, who is not a dog owner, said that she is in tears daily at the situation. And now, she is calling for change. She said: “I am at the end of a very short tether. I am literally at the point of not leaving the house, as every time I do my pram wheels seem to be covered in dog poo from the pavements in Winchcombe.”

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Boner Candidate #4: OOOPS

It took a hapless customer just three seconds to damage more than $6,000 worth of TVs, according to reports. A surveillance camera captured the unidentified man appearing to accidentally topple over four television sets at the HBH Woolacotts electronics store in St Austell, southwest England, on Sept. 29. He knocked over one of the TVs while crouching down to inspect it. The tumbling screen struck a second set, which also fell to the ground.

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Boner Candidate #5: SORRY BRO….IT WAS THE MOLLIES

A car salesman was allegedly held at gunpoint by a customer who followed up a Bonita Springs robbery with an apology text before his arrest Wednesday. Anthony Spinella of Power Motors Auto Brokers, Inc. in Bonita Springs said Romelson Faustin, 20, of 35 10th St. in Naples, had been a familiar face since September. After he was robbed at gunpoint, Spinella said he received a text from Faustin. “He just said give me the money that’s in your pockets,” Spinella said. “So then he texted me about an hour — 45 minutes later. And the text said ‘Bro, I was on Mollies, I’m sorry.’”

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Boner Candidate #6: THE COOKIE MONSTER IS SCARING ME.

The man who would be the Cookie Monster circled the parking lot in a beat-up, maroon van. Inside, a pair of red and black boxers hung from the grab handle. A toothbrush and tube of toothpaste were stashed in the glove box. But his prized possession was stuffed in a large plastic bag: the furry blue costume of the iconic Sesame Street character.

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