Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 18, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I FELL ON THE BOTTLE

A middle-aged man from Honduras needed an emergency operation to remove his penis after he got it stuck in a bottle he was using as a sex toy, according to reports. The 50-year-old man, whose name was not released, was rushed to a hospital after his penis turned black and started to decay, the Daily Mail reported. Dr. Dennis Chirinos said the man, who was not married and did not have a girlfriend, was trying to relieve his sexual frustration.

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Boner Candidate #2: HEY. ANYBODY LOSE A GUN?

A letter was sent home to parents Thursday after a student found a security guard’s loaded gun unattended in the men’s restroom at Ringgold High School in Washington County, district officials said. Superintendent Karen Polkabla said the student immediately reported the discovery of the loaded gun to a teacher. The teacher contacted Executive Officer Colleen Spahr, who put the weapon in the security office safe. Polkabla said it was determined that the weapon belonged to another security officer within the district. She said measures are being taken to ensure no similar incidents happen, and commended the student.

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Boner Candidate #3: BEND OVER AND PRETEND TO PICK UP A CAN

A former Arkansas judge accused of giving lighter sentences to defendants in exchange for nude photos and sexual acts tried to bribe witnesses and had an accomplice threaten to make one of them “disappear,” federal prosecutors said shortly after his arrest Monday. Joseph Boeckmann appeared disheveled as the accusations were levied during his arraignment hearing in U.S. District Court in Little Rock. Wearing jeans and a button-down shirt while shackled at the waist, the 70-year-old pleaded not guilty to bribery, fraud and other federal charges just hours after prosecutors unsealed a 21-count indictment.

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Boner Candidate #4: I JUST START KISSING THEM

What was likely intended to be an endearing photo op of a presidential candidate holding a child went sour when a little girl turned away from Donald Trump as he tried to kiss her a second time at a Wisconsin rally Monday night. “A beautiful person you are,” Trump told the curly-haired youth, whose coral bow matched her sequinned shirt. “Thank you,” she replied.

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Boner Candidate #5: GO AHEAD AND CALL ME A RACIST BECAUSE I AM ONE

The town council on Monday voted to accept the resignation of the Republican mayor after an uproar over racist posts on his Facebook page, including two depicting apes with captions referring to Democratic President Barack Obama and his family. One image of a wagon full of orangutans referred to “moving day” at the White House. Another referred to lynching. The West York borough council last week voted to censure Mayor Charles Wasko, who’s white, but had no power to throw him out of office. It voted unanimously on Monday to accept his resignation.

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Boner Candidate #6: THE COOKIE MONSTER IS SCARING ME.

The man who would be the Cookie Monster circled the parking lot in a beat-up, maroon van. Inside, a pair of red and black boxers hung from the grab handle. A toothbrush and tube of toothpaste were stashed in the glove box. But his prized possession was stuffed in a large plastic bag: the furry blue costume of the iconic Sesame Street character. Adam Sandler — his legal name, but no relation to the comic actor — slipped the outfit over a sweat-drenched blue T-shirt before putting on the head with the famously googly eyes.

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