Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 25, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: MR. HAPPY ABUSED OUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH AND I HAD TO END IT.

Here you have another reason why drugs are bad, kids: you end up killing your imaginary friend and then demand the death penalty, which is exactly what one Florida man did. Geoff Gaylord walked into a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office and confessed to his crime: he had repeatedly stabbed his friend ‘Mr. Happy’ with a kitchen knife, cut up Mr. Happy with a hatchet, and buried him in his backyard. Let me remind you again that this occurred in Florida, so perhaps it should come as a surprise to no one.

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Boner Candidate #2: WELL HELL SHE WERE’NT USE’N IT

Police detained 31 teenagers after officers say the son of an estate sale auctioneer used a house key to get into a deceased woman’s home and throw a party. Neighbors in the Roeland Park neighborhood knew something was strange when the lights were on at the deceased woman’s vacant home and dozens of teenagers were seen inside, according to WDAF. A neighbor called police. When officers showed up, the teens turned off the lights, locked doors, and acted like they were not there.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU ALLOW KIDS TO BRING THE REBEL FLAG TO SCHOOL, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

The president of the Mississippi NAACP is demanding a federal hate crime investigation after the parents of a black high school student said as many as four white students put a noose around their son’s neck at school. “No child should be walking down the hall or in a locker room and be accosted with a noose around their neck,” president Derrick Johnson said Monday during a news conference in Wiggins. “This is 2016, not 1916. This is America. This is a place where children should go to school and feel safe in their environment.”

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Boner Candidate #4: BLESSED BE THE THIN. THEY WILL MORE EASILY FIT THROUGH THE GATES OF THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

An Oregon church which came under fire in recent weeks for instituting a ban on fat people as part of a slew of mandatory guidelines to be a part of the congregation’s worship team, apologized for the ban on Saturday and begged forgiveness to anyone their rules may have offended. “There has been some media circulating about our Worship Team Guidelines. Forgive us if we offended anyone. That certainly was not our intention. These guidelines have never been used to discriminate against anyone and have never been enforced,” New Creation Church in Hillsboro declared in the terse apology posted on its website in reaction to the online backlash that ensued after details of their “Worship Team Guidelines” came under recent scrutiny.

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Boner Candidate #5: JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PORTLANDIA

A man dressed as a tree was arrested Monday afternoon in downtown Portland and charged with obstructing a public way. Assistant Police Chief Vern Malloch said Asher A. Woodworth, 30, of Portland, who was standing in traffic at High and Congress streets, was arrested by officers after refusing orders to leave the congested intersection.

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Boner Candidate #6: HE WAS MESSIN’ WITH MY TUNES

The principal at a lower Manhattan high school was beaten to a pulp by a student on Monday when he told the teen to remove his headphones, sources said. Principal Matthew Tossman of Manhattan Early College School for Advertising, which is in inside Murry Bergtraum HS, spotted 18-year-old Luis Penzo with his headphones blasting in the hallway around noon, according to police sources.

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