Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 26, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND OUR PEOPLE OR OUR CULTURE

In a shopping mall in southern China, a polar bear named Pizza paces past murals of icebergs in his glass enclosure. He shakes his shaggy head under artificial lights. He crouches by an air vent to sniff the outside world. All are distress behaviors, say Chinese animal welfare advocates, who on Tuesday called on Zhu Xiaodan, the governor of Guangdong Province, where Pizza lives in an aquarium at the Grandview Mall in Guangzhou, to move the bear to a more appropriate environment. Pizza has become known as “the world’s saddest polar bear,” the advocates, from 48 organizations, wrote in an open letter to Mr. Zhu.

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Boner Candidate #2: IF YOU’RE GONNA DO YOURSELF…JUST DO YOURSELF.

Two young boys survived a 100-foot (30-meter) fall after their father leaped off a New Jersey bridge with them in his arms, police said on Tuesday. The father, identified as John Spincken, jumped from an overpass along Interstate 187 in Wanaque, New Jersey, sometime after 7 p.m. EDT on Monday in what police have described as a suicide.

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Boner Candidate #3: CORPSES WERE AFTER ME

Described at the time as believing the city had “a conspiracy going against him,” the former mayor of Watson pleaded guilty earlier this month to breaking into the current mayor’s home in March. Joseph Mark Rongstad, 34, will be sentenced Dec. 13 on a felony charge of third-degree burglary. As part of an Oct. 10 plea agreement, additional charges of felony first-degree burglary and misdemeanor trespassing will be dismissed. Rongstad was also facing charges from February for allegedly firing a rifle through the sunroof of his truck, saying, according to court documents, that he was “trying to get away from the corpses that were after him.”

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Boner Candidate #4: TRUST ME….HE HAD IT COMING

A parent was caught on video punching a 7-year-old boy in the stomach at a Washington, D.C., school, officials say.  In footage filmed at KIPP DC Spring Academy last week, the boy is seen falling to his knees as the man, who is the parent of another child, slowly walks away.  Lena Mclean, the boy’s mother, is now seeking justice for what happened to her son John.  “I’ll feel much better when he is locked up,” she told WJLA.

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Boner Candidate #5: I BELIEVE I’VE CRACKED THE CASE

A Brazilian forensic expert stumbled right onto his body of evidence, collapsing dead drunk onto a corpse — then bursting out laughing. The unidentified sleuth arrived at the scene, where a large crowd of gawkers were gathered around the body lying in a sandy hole. The wasted man walked toward the corpse, stumbled and fell face-down on top of the decomposed person.

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Boner Candidate #6: TOLD YA THIS WOULD HAPPEN

German police say a teenager’s attempt to frighten a group of young people by wearing a clown mask and brandishing a hammer on a Berlin street turned out very badly. Berlin police said Tuesday that a 14-year-old responded by pulling a knife and stabbing the clown, only to find that the clown was a 16-year-old acquaintance. He rendered first aid until emergency medical help could arrive Monday.

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