Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for October 31st, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: HALLOWEEN FUN!

A Christian haunted house intended to take place in an elementary school has been shut down amid outcry that it planned to recreate real-life massacres for entertainment, including the shooting at the gay Orlando nightclub, Pulse. Guests of “The Room: A Journey To Hell” on Chicago’s South Side were promised “in your face scenes of dark reality,” according to an online ad for the twisted fun house.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHY DIDN’T THE BLACK WISCONSIN FANS IN THE STADIUM RISE UP AND….OH WAIT. I’M LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THE CROWD AND WELL, I DON’T THINK THERE ARE ANY BLACK WISCONSIN FANS.

Wisconsin is hosting Nebraska in Madison on Saturday night. In the stands at Camp Randall Stadium, one fan dressed in a Donald Trump mask, and that fan’s companion dressed in two masks: one for Hillary Clinton, one for President Obama. The fan in the Trump mask appears to have depicted himself lynching his partner in the Obama and Clinton masks.

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Boner Candidate #3: I THINK WE HAVE A POSITIVE ID

It didn’t take long for police to track down a heavily-tattooed man who reportedly robbed a taxi driver at gunpoint after getting a ride. Columbus Police say within 24 hours of posting the surveillance camera pics to social media, they had more than enough tips to identify him as Dennis Scalf.

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Boner Candidate #4: THIS HALLOWEEN I’M GOING AS A CLOWN KILLER

Halloween masks are offered for sale at Fantasy Costumes on October 19, 2016 in Chicago, Illinois. Although at least one major retailer has removed creepy clown costumes from their store shelves in the wake of negative news stories, Fantasy Costumes said they are one of this seasons biggest sellers. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images) Some residents unnerved by scary clown threats in their communities say they’ll be armed for Halloween trick-or-treating, while authorities warn that widespread clown fears may endanger someone dressing up as a clown as a joke.

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Boner Candidate #5: HELP. MY CAR IS BEING CHASED BY A HALF NAKED CLOWN

A scantily clad married mother-of-three was arrested in Tennessee Thursday after authorities say she was spotted chasing cars while wearing clown makeup. Candice Kreidel was taken into custody on charges of disorderly conduct, public intoxication and making non-emergency 911 calls. According to an arrest warrant, the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office received multiple calls from witnesses about a partially or completely naked woman in circus makeup and a stocking cap on her head who was seen running after cars along Louise Road in Cunningham and jumping in and out of traffic.

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Boner Candidate #6: ACADEMIA PLEASE LOVE ME BACK

A Bronx Latina wants to teach her professor a lesson. Tiffany Martinez says in a blog posting that she was publicly humiliated when her sociology professor at Suffolk University in Boston accused her of plagiarizing her sociology essay simply because she used the transition word “hence.” She said the professor rudely tossed the paper back to her in front of the class, saying loudly, “This is not your language.”

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