Boners

Boner Preview Candidates November 2nd, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: IT’S MY SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHT TO JOKE ABOUT SHOOTING A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.) apologized for joking about putting a bullseye on Hillary Clinton. Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.) joked during private remarks about putting a bullseye on Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, CNN reported Monday “Nothing made me feel any better than [when] I walked into a gun shop, I think, yesterday … and there was a copy of Rifleman on the counter,” he said in audio posted by CNN of an event with Republican volunteers. “It’s got a picture of Hillary Clinton on the front of it. I was a little bit shocked at that ― it didn’t have a bullseye on it.”

Boner Candidate #2: BACK TO CLASS I GUESS

A woman accused of killing a cop and another man during a drunken driving crash over the weekend had completed court-ordered DUI classes for a prior conviction just days earlier, court documents show. Suzanne Whitlow, 26, of Lexington, Kentucky, was allegedly driving under the influence at about 2:30 a.m. Saturday when she lost control of her vehicle and fatally struck Louisville Metro Police Department Det. Jason Schweitzer and Timothy Moore, a 56-year-old University of Kentucky employee.

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Boner Candidate #3: RACISM AND HOMOPHOBIA KNOWS NO BORDERS

One of the most powerful people in Brussels, Günther Oettinger, has come under fire for reportedly referring to Chinese people as “slit-eyes” and “sly dogs” in a speech to business leaders in Hamburg. Leaders in Berlin and Brussels sought on Monday to tamp down the uproar after Mr. Oettinger broke his silence over the weekend to explain the comments. Although the comments about Chinese people were not captured on video, he has not denied multiple reports that he made them.

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Boner Candidate #4: I CAN EXPLAIN….JUST GIVE ME SEVERAL CHANCES.

On Tuesday, the Twitter account for Sid Miller, Texas’ Republican Agricultural Commissioner, sent out a message seriously misspelling Hillary Clinton’s name and shortening it by several letters, rendering it as a far more offensive word beginning with “C.” Fortunately, he has a perfectly reasonable explanation for it—several of them, in fact. “PENNSYLVANIA: NEW AUTO ALLIANCE POLL” wrote @MillerForTexas in the since-removed tweet.

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Boner Candidate #5: MOM GIVES US “FEEL GOOD MEDICINE”

A Spanaway, Washington mother of three was charged and jailed on Monday, under accusations that she gave her three small children heroin to get them to sleep. Child Protective Services (CPS) removed the children of Ashlee Hutt, 24— a 6-year-old boy, a 4-year-old girl and a 2-year-old girl, from Hutt and her boyfriend Mac McIver’s home on Nov. 15, 2015 because there was heroin in the house, as well as needles and rat droppings, The News Tribune reported.

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Boner Candidate #6: DUDE. WE’RE TURTLE SURFIN’!

These bros “surfing” a turtle on Australia’s Fraser Island could be in quite some trouble, after a picture of the act was shared on Facebook in attempt to find them. It shows the two men, with cans of beer in hand, standing on the animal. “Surfed a tortoise on zee weekend.. gnarly duddddeeeee,” the photo’s caption reads.

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