Boners

Boner Preview for December 20, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THE RAPEY PAT DOWN.

On Friday night CNN Political Commentator Angela Rye was flying from Detroit to New York. During what should have been a routine TSA security check, she was forced to endure an invasive “vaginal pat down.” The writer and commentator wrote that she was going through security at Detroit’s Metro Airport to fly to New York when ― even though she has TSA Precheck status and is a CLEAR traveler ― she was told she was randomly selected for additional screening. After going through the backscatter machine, she was told that the female TSA agent would do “a backhanded pat around the upper thigh.”

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Boner Candidate #2: IT’S A SIMPLE CASE OF CHILD NEGLECT.

Police say a woman stole baby Jesus from a Nativity scene in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and dropped the figurine off at a hospital with a note explaining that the baby had been “neglected” by his parents, “Joseph and Mary Christ. “Police say 49-year-old Jacqueline Ross told them it was a joke, but they aren’t laughing. She was identified from surveillance video and is jailed on charges of theft and institutional vandalism. Police say she went to the hospital early on Dec. 4 just minutes after stealing the $2,700 figurine from Payrow Plaza. Police say she left a note with the porcelain baby that read, in part, “Child has broken right foot which is been (sic) neglected. Parents Joseph and Mary Christ got a warning.”Ross doesn’t yet have an attorney.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHAT? NO ANCHOVIES? NO CRAZY BREAD?

Remember the $100 donut in New York City? Prepare yourself for the $2,000 pizza. There have been a few pizza pies topped with metallic ingredients. During the Super Bowl, Pizza Hut gave away pies covered in $100 worth of gold. And across the pond, some culinary inventor put together a golden pizza fit for the royals crusted with fantail prawns, beluga caviar, lobster, white truffle oil, and 23-karat-gold flakes.

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Boner Candidate #4: COME ON WHO DOESN’T LOVE CHEESEBURGER FLAT BREAD?

School officials have apologized after a parent complained about lunch served to her child at a Duval County elementary school. A parent sent Action News Jax a photo of a cheeseburger flatbread served for lunch at Atlantic Beach Elementary School on Wednesday. A spokesperson for Duval County Public Schools said the meal is not representative of the quality of food that is provided for students.

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Boner Candidate # 5: THIS WAS JUST A PRESENT I WAS DELIVERING TO A LITTLE BOY

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office has arrested a “Bad Santa” for allegedly selling drugs. Isaac Geiger, 41, was arrested Monday for possession of methamphetamine with intent to sell, possession of marijuana with intent to sell and resisting an officer without violence, according to JSO Inmate Information Search.

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Boner Candidate #6: DAMN DOG GOT IN THE WAY OF ONE OF THEM VOLES.

A man who killed his dog by firing a gun into his backyard from inside his living room is being investigated by Tooele police, according to a search warrant unsealed in 3rd District Court. As of Monday, the man had not been arrested or charged. On Nov. 29, police responded to reports of shots fired at a Tooele home. When they arrived, they found a deceased black Labrador and an “upset” homeowner, the warrant affidavit states. The homeowner told officers he “routinely shoots a pellet gun at voles in the yard,” the warrant states. “He said … he was shooting from the living room area toward the backyard through an open door. He said the dog was running around the yard and ran in front of the door at the same time he shot.”

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