Boners

Boner Preview for February 1st, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: FATHER SUICIDE

The pastor of a largely immigrant Catholic church in Queens has a suggestion for his anti-Trump parishioners — go take a flying leap off the nearest building. “Show your hate for Trump. Do it for social justice. #JumpAgainstTrump,” read a meme posted by Father Philip Pizzo just hours after he celebrated Sunday Mass. The message included an illustration of a man plummeting from a skyscraper.

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Boner Candidate #2: I WAS DOING IT TO SOBER UP

Well, when you put it that way. People do some dumb thing while they are drunk. Things like running themselves over with their own truck, to shoving cables into their pee-hole. Which is why 25-year-old Katherine L. Muhlenbruc got behind the wheel of her car in order to “sober up.” At least that is what she told a cop. Muhlenbruc was pulled over when she was spotted by a Riverside police officer crossing the center lane. When the cop went up to the window Muhlenbruc simply said she was returning from a bar and had done nothing wrong.

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Boner Candidate #3: WELL, I’M A LOON.

A woman set up a date at a Lynnwood, Washington hotel Sunday night with the intent of killing a man she met online and eating his heart, police said. The suspect later told Lynnwood detectives that the gruesome plan was just one step in her bid to become a serial killer, according to police. Police say the suspect attacked a man she met on Craigslist at the Rodeo Inn in Lynnwood, Washington. (Google) Police arrested the suspect, a 24-year-old Edmonds woman, on suspicion of first-degree attempted murder after she allegedly stabbed the 29-year-old victim in the chest, puncturing his lung, according to KCPQ-TV.

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Boner Candidate #4: A GOOD PLAN FOR FINDING THE CAR

A woman in Columbus, Ohio, is facing charges for allegedly filing a false report of a missing child just so officers would find her stolen car faster. On Monday morning, Jessica Pickett’s 2004 silver Chevy Impala was stolen in front of home while she was warming it up. She told police that she put her 4-year-old daughter into the car and went back into her home to get another kid. When she came back out, the vehicle was missing, according to WSAZ TV.

Boner Candidate #5: THE STRAWBERRYRITA AND THE PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS WERE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

A Lake Havasu City woman was arrested Jan. 12 in the 4000 block of Challenger Drive after she reportedly stabbed a man with a pair of scissors during an argument about a threesome. Teresa M. Gillard, 42, faces felony charges for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and disorderly conduct with a weapon per domestic violence. Police said an argument arose between her and the alleged victim when Gillard reportedly wanted to invite a woman she had met earlier that day at a dog park to their home for a sexual threesome, according to a police report. The alleged victim declined and said he did not want anyone to come over, a police report stated.

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Boner Candidate #6: WHAT A MINUTE….THAT’S NOT THE MOON.

Microsoft’s Redmond campus got a late-night visit from a nude jogger Friday. Officers on the south side of the tech giant’s campus, near 15320 N.E. 40th St., stopped the man about 3:30 a.m. after “seeing nude buttocks illuminated by a streetlight,” according to a city news release. The man was wearing nothing but black Sketchers sneakers, police said.

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