Boners

Boner Preview for February 6th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: THE JUDGE CUT HIM OFF FROM SEX RATHER THAN JUST CUTTING SOMETHING OFF.

An Idaho judge has ordered a 19-year-old man not to have sex with anyone before he marries as part of his sentencing for statutory rape of a 14-year-old girl. Judge Randy Stoker sentenced Cody Duane Scott Herrera of Twin Falls to five to 15 years in prison, but he suspended the sentence for a one-year rider program. If the unmarried Herrera completes the program, he’ll be released on probation, which requires celibacy unless he weds. Herrera received the sentence in 5th District Court. Stoker said the probation condition is needed because Herrera told presentence investigators he’s had 34 sexual partners. “If you’re ever on probation with this court, a condition of that will be you will not have sexual relations with anyone except who you’re married to, if you’re married,” Stoker told Herrera.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’VE GOT A TRUCK AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

When an angry driver confronted a young Florida father, he did what he had to do to protect his family, and that meant parking his pickup truck on top of that driver’s car, according to the Ocala Police Department. Adalberto Aponte, 53, was driving his Toyota Camry recklessly Wednesday afternoon, nearly causing several accidents and trailing closely behind a Ford F150 with an 18-year-old man, his girlfriend and their baby inside, police said.

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Boner Candidate #3: BUNCH OF UNDERPAID CRYBABIES

The president of the Arizona Chamber of Commerce has found himself in a bit of hot water with Arizona education advocates. “It’s amazing to me that the teachers’ unions are out there like a bunch of crybabies screaming about the difficulty of getting additional pay to teachers,” Glen Hamer told the Arizona Capitol Times’ Yellow Sheet Report. Predictably, that doesn’t sit well with those he was criticizing. A recent study ranked Arizona dead last in the nation with regard to average teacher salary. When 12 News’ Brahm Resnik spoke to Hamer, he walked back the namecalling.

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Boner Candidate #4: THE STINK CAUSED ME TO SPEED

A TAXI driver reported for speeding blamed the offence on his passengers breaking wind when stopped by police. Posting on Facebook, Dorset traffic police revealed the weird excuse of the driver who was stopped on Friday night. Officers said that the taxi driver failed to notice the large marked traffic car in his rear view mirror. When he was stopped, the driver blamed the “flatulence” of his three paying passengers for the reason he sped.

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Boner Candidate #5: THE BEACHES IN AUSTRALIA ARE REALLY CRAPPY

Australia’s Environmental Protection Authority issued a warning to steer clear of all 36 beaches in Melbourne, Australia’s second biggest city, due to a “poor” water quality rating, which turns out, is code for poop. This is not the first time this has happened. Earlier this month, 21 beaches in Port Phillip Bay were deemed unsafe for swimming for the same reason. Dr. Anthony Boxshall, the manager of applied sciences at the EPA, told ABC, “We have indicators we look for which is an indicator of fecal contamination, which is a nice way of saying poo.” To determine the water quality ratings, the EPA checks the levels of a bacteria called enterococci, which according to the NIH, is “found in high concentrations in human feces.” If the water has 400 or more enterococci for every 100 milliliters of water, it gets a poor quality rating because it makes you susceptible to illness.

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Boner Candidate #6: KILLIN’ STUFF IS FUN

Wildlife officials in Utah are investigating the illegal killings of three mule deer near Cedar City in recent months. The Spectrum newspaper reports that a hiker in January found two headless deer carcasses near a trail in Nichols Canyon. Both are believed to have been killed out of season. The deer are thought to have been killed and cleaned elsewhere and dumped at the location at a later date.

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