Boners

Boner Preview for February 7th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: WE NEED TO CRACK DOWN ON THOSE WHO WOULD WALK UNDER THE INFLUENCE.

Police in Namibia’s capital are cracking down on a somewhat unlikely group, reports the BBC, following road accidents that are blamed not only on intoxicated motorists but on tipsy pedestrians. Police spokesman Edmund Khoaseb tells the Namibian that people who survive a run-in with a car will be given a Breathalyzer test. He said most accidents happen on the weekend, when “the victims will be coming from bars and under the influence of alcohol, which makes it difficult for them to fully concentrate on the road.” There were 900 pedestrian-related accidents in Namibia last year, nearly 150 of them fatal, per the Namibian. A drunken police officer was charged in 2009 with the traffic deaths of two men. With 2.1 million inhabitants, the country has one of Africa’s highest rates of alcohol consumption (though lower than in the developed world), per the World Health Organization. The Telegraph calls the capital “smart, laid back” and known for colonial-era architecture. Windhoek’s “lively watering holes,” the paper notes, “from now on, are perhaps best explored by taxi.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THE MONEY? I THINK IT MAY BE IN THE GARBAGE.

Employees at the Bank Leumi in Tel Aviv, Israel accidentally threw away a packet with 50,000 Euros in cash on Thursday. The monumental mistake was discovered only after the garbage truck had left the compound. In a last minute realization, the bank employees reported the mistake to Hiriya waste dump management and on Friday morning, Hiriya workers began sifting through the garbage. After several long, nerve-wrecking minutes, they found the lost treasure, worth over $53,000. “We received a report in the morning claiming a large amount of money was in the garbage, and indeed we showed everyone that garbage can turn into money,” said Doron Sapir, chairman of the recycling site in a phone conversation with Ynet. “Not only do we produce energy and products out of waste, this time, we literally took money out of the trash,” he continued. The recycling site’s employees managed to locate the truck responsible for the area in which the bank’s branch is situated, and took it to a secluded area, where they dumped all of its contents on the ground. “The workers started sifting through the trash, looking for the envelopes,” said Sapir.

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Boner Candidate #3: THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT POOP JOKES THAT…WELL YOU KNOW; THE’RE FUNNY!

The San Antonio cop fired in November for giving a homeless man a feces sandwich has been fired again for pulling another poop prank. How can a person be fired twice from the same job? In the case of San Antonio police officer Mathew Luckhurst, his termination is referred to as an “indefinite suspension,” meaning he is not allowed to show up to work, is not getting paid and has been told he is not welcome back. But he also has the right to appeal the decision, meaning he can always win his job back. Now he appealing both suspensions, according to the San Antonio Express News After being fired in November for the incident that took place last May, Luckhurst argued through his lawyer appealing the firing that he was just “joking” about giving the man a sandwich with human excrement in it. But an internal affairs document states Luckhurst admitted to the deed when questioned by a superior. “He went on with a short speech about how sorry he was and that he realized how bad the situation was,” the officer wrote. “His apology to us seemed heartfelt, but [the prank] was still completely uncalled for.” A month after the sandwich incident in June, San Antonio police say Luckhurst defacated in the women’s bathroom stall at the department’s Bike Patrol Office, didn’t flush, then spread a brown substance with the consistency of tapioca on the toilet seat, giving the appearance there was feces on the seat. He did this after a female officer requested her fellow employees to keep the bathroom clean.

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Boner Candidate #4: I’M DEAD. DO I LOOK STUPID?

A drunk Florida woman crashed her black Dodge Intrepid into a ditch and told troopers she was dead to avoid a DUI, according to The Gainesville Sun.  Cheryl Ann Morris, 54, was spotted hiding a small bottle of wine before the troopers questioned her about the crash, according to The Independent Florida Alligator.  The Florida Highway Patrol asked if she was injured and Morris replied “I’m dead.” Troopers reminded her to take this seriously and asked Morris if she was wearing a seat belt during the crash. Morris responded, “What do I look, stupid?” as she tried to re-fasten it, according to the police report. After failing a sobriety test, Morris was arrested on charges of driving under the influence and property damage.

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Boner Candidate #5: MAYBE IT’S TIME YOU SMART MOUTH AMERICAN JOURNALISTS BACK OFF A LITTLE HUH?

The Kremlin has demanded an apology from Fox News after host Bill O’Reilly called Russian President Vladimir Putin a “killer” over the weekend. O’Reilly made the comment during an interview with President Donald Trump in which he questioned Trump’s apparent admiration for the foreign leader. “Will I get along with him? I have no idea,” Trump told O’Reilly during the pre-Super Bowl Sunday broadcast. “Putin’s a killer though. Putin’s a killer,” O’Reilly asserted. “We’ve got a lot of killers. You think our country’s so innocent?” Trump replied.

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Boner Candidate #6: THEY SHOOT HORSES IN ROY

Roy City Police are investigating a horse shooting Saturday. The owner, 78-year-old Gail Larsen, found his horse Cinnamon with two gunshot wounds to its forehead. “You can find horses all over for sale but not ones broke really well and are really gentle,” said Larsen. Larsen bought Cinnamon 13 years ago with the intention of getting a horse gentle enough for his seven grandchildren and 29 great grand-children. Cinnamon’s biggest fan, according to Larsen, four-year-old great-granddaughter, Lydia. “That was the hardest part was telling her because we had just been down here Friday,” said Larsen. “She loved that horse. She thought that horse was hers. She’d tell you it’s hers.” She’s been crying non-stop since hearing the news, according to the family. Lydia’s older sister, 8-year-old Addisen Larson-Ware, has been supporting her. “I said it’s going to be alright. It’s going to be okay,” said Larsen-Ware. Lydia doesn’t understand how this could happen and frankly, neither do the adults.

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