Boners

Boner Preview for January 16th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: SEX ASSAULT MATH PROBLEMS

Students at a Pennsylvania high school were given a math homework assignment that asked them to choose which family member sexually assaulted award-winning author, poet, and civil rights activist Maya Angelou when she was 8 years old. Pennridge High School students were asked: “Angelou was sexually abused by her mother’s _____ at age 8, which shaped her career choices and motivation for writing.” Using the math formula given, they had to choose either “boyfriend, brother or father” as the answer. The school district has since apologized for the incident after receiving several complaints. “We apologize to anyone who was offended by the content of the assignment and have taken steps to avoid such occurrences in the future,” Pennridge School District superintendent Dr. Jacqueline Rattigan said in a statement provided to BuzzFeed News.

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Boner Candidate #2: BILLY KNOWS FAKE NEWS

Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan appeared on Mancow on Thursday, and defended President-elect Donald Trump from false media reports. Corgan appeared the day after fake news was reported by CNN and BuzzFeed about President-elect Donald Trump. Alternative Nation transcribed his comments. Corgan was discussing his road trip he is currently taking across America when the discussion shifted to politics. “There’s something going on right now in America, where the American spirit or character is reasserting itself around liberty. I think it’s an important time, and I’m trying to document that as an artist. If I just filter what I read through the media, which obviously yesterday was a watershed day with the media, if I just go through what I read through the media, I’m not really in touch with the world I grew up in. I know there’s a gap there, I talk to my relatives, I talk to people I meet traveling around, and their mind is on something completely different.”

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Boner Candidate #3: WOULDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THE DONALD OWNED THESE

What’s in a name? “The Donald?” “Don’s Johns?” Workers were spotted going around the grounds for the inauguration of Donald J. Trump Friday morning taping over the name of the port-a-potties, Don’s Johns, that line the National Mall on big occasions. “I think it’s an absurd use of a worker’s time and that there is no use to cover up a name, if it’s the name of the company,” said Margot Finn. A spokesperson for the architect of the Capitol tells the Associated Press that the logos were covered to “comply with Capitol grounds restrictions on advertising.” But the Chief Operating Officer of Don’s John’s says the company provided portable toilets, with their logos, for the 2009 and 2013 inaugurations of President Barack Obama.

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Boner Candidate #4: I WAS TRYING TO SHOW HIS HONOR THE TOOLS OF MY TRADE

A Florida judge got to see more evidence than he expected Thursday when an accused woman flashed her breasts in court. Susan Surrette, 54, was arrested Wednesday for disorderly intoxication in Fort Lauderdale. She appeared in a Broward County bond court Thursday via a video feed, NBC Miami reports. At one point during the hearing, Judge John Hurley asked Surrette what she did for a living. She replied that she worked as an escort and porn star under the name “Kayla Kupcakes.” During the hearing, Surrette alleged she was the victim of police brutality and lifted up her shirt to offer proof, according to WPTV.

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Boner Candidate #5: WE WOULDN’T WANT TO BELITTLE THE CONFEDERATE HERITAGE

Every third Monday in January, Arkansas state offices are closed in observance of an unlikely holiday: the shared birthdays of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee. Only three states commemorate both men on the same day, a practice that critics say hurts Arkansas’ reputation. Now the Republican governor is reviving an effort to remove Lee from the holiday, but he faces resistance from opponents who complain the move belittles the state’s Confederate heritage and from black lawmakers worried about a plan to set aside another day to honor Lee. “I think this provides our state an opportunity to bridge divides,” said Gov. Asa Hutchinson, who has vowed since early last year to make the change, which is part of his agenda for the legislative session that began last week.

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Boner Candidate #6: IT WAS A LITTLE PINCH

A Connecticut politician was arrested for sexual assault after he ‘jokingly’ gave a ‘little pinch’ to a woman’s groin. Republican Christopher von Keyserling, 71, was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault for grabbing a Greenwich, Connecticut, town worker’s genital area on Wednesday. The incident took place on December 8, 2016, after a heated political discussion, in which he told the unidentified 57-year-old woman that he ‘loved’ not having to be ‘politically correct’ anymore. Von Keyserling, who has served on the Greenwich Representative Town Meeting board since 1985, called the woman a ‘lazy, bloodsucking union employee’, reported the Westport Daily Voice.

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