Boners

Boner Preview for January 17th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: I JUST WANTED TO MAKE HIM MAD

A white county commissioner in Georgia who called Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) a “racist pig” over the weekend after the African-American congressman criticized President-elect Donald Trump took down his comments as he faced a volley of criticism but rejected calls to resign. Tommy Hunter, a Republican on the Gwinnett County Board of Commissioners, wrote two Facebook posts about Lewis and “Demonrats” on Saturday and Sunday, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. Both were deleted as of Monday morning. The posts came after Lewis, a leader in the civil rights movement, told NBC that he does not “see this president-elect as a legitimate president” because of U.S. intelligence agencies’ conclusion that Russia interfered in the election to help Trump win. Trump then lashed out against Lewis, and Hunter followed suit.  

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Boner Candidate #2: GETTIN DRUNK MAKES YOU DO FUN STUFF

A man in China reportedly got himself trapped inside a hollow utility pole after getting drunk. The man, unidentified, crawled into the 65-foot-long electricity pole which was lying at roadside in Qingyang city, Gansu Province, on Saturday, reported People’s Daily Online. Firefighters managed to pull out the man after they cut off part of the steel post and tied a rope on his body.  The hollow pole measured 2ft 7in wide at one end and 1ft 11in wide at the other. It was left by the side of the road and was waiting to be erected.  The man, allegedly drunk, climbed in from the wider end. But as the pole got narrower, he got stuck as he moved towards the narrower end. It is unclear how long he had stayed inside the tube when the firefighters arrived. However, reports claimed that he had shown signs of suffocation.

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Boner Candidate #3: OH THAT? IT’S JUST MY CLOWN TICKLER.

A Cornelius man was arrested Saturday after deputies said he threatened his wife with a nail-filled baseball bat that he claimed he created to protect his children from scary clowns. Washington County deputies responded about 8 p.m. after Matija Belavic threatened his wife during an argument at their home on South Elder Court, said Sgt. Bob Ray, a sheriff’s office spokesman. Belavic left the home by the time deputies arrived and was arrested about 15 minutes later when deputies found him walking down the street. Investigators suspect alcohol played a factor in the altercation. The bat has 8-inch nails protruding from the end of it. Belavic, 31, told deputies he made the weapon in October during a nationwide phenomenon of people dressed as clowns or wearing scary clown masks to show his children that he’d protect them from any clowns trying to attack them, Ray said. Belavic called it “the clown tickler,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #4: YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY TROUBLE USING THAT HAND EATING A CHURRO AT DISNEY WORLD

An Army veteran who received $300,000 in benefits over the course of several years is facing more than a decade in prison after investigators found she was faking her disability. A federal jury found her guilty in connection with the case Thursday in Jacksonville. A trip she took with her daughter to Disney World in Orlando turned out to be a key piece of evidence as investigators unraveled the scam Crystel Lee Riedling, 44, had perpetrated since the beginning of 2009. Riedling, of Lake City, was injured while serving in the Army in 2003 and was receiving benefits because she claimed she was completely unable to use her right arm, court documents say. She continued to emphasize the severity of her injury when she was interviewed at her home by agents from the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and Social Security Administration in June 2015. “So you have no use of your right hand whatsoever?” one of the agents asked according to a transcript of the interview. “No,” she replied. “OK, we have a slight problem, all right?” the agent said. The agents then revealed to Riedling that she had been under investigation and they had surveillance of her using her hand during a trip to Disney World with her daughter, court documents said. They explained that Riedling had been recorded numerous times using her hand as part of a “massive, massive amount of investigation,” the transcript said.

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Boner Candidate #5: SHE REALLY DID NOT WANT TO SHARE

On Wednesday, a 12-year-old boy pulled a gun on a 13-year-old girl in Harlem and demanded she give him a McDonald’s chicken nugget. The boy first asked his 13-year-old classmate for one of her chicken nuggets at an East Harlem McDonald’s, the NYPD confirmed to BuzzFeed News. After denying him one, the boy followed her into the nearby 6 train subway station and apparently threatened her with a gun, again demanding a chicken nugget. The 13-year-old not only denied the McNugget a second time, she smacked the gun from his hands and asked to be left alone, police said. The victim reported the incident to school officials, and the suspect was later arrested for attempted robbery. NYPD told BuzzFeed News the suspect has been charged as a juvenile.

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Boner Candidate #6: THANK YOU, ROB SCHNEIDER, FOR LETTING YOUR COOL INTELLECT AND WISE SOUL INTERVENE IN THIS DISPUTE

On Monday, Rob Schneider, that guy in that one Adam Sandler flick, decided to explain the historical significance of Martin Luther King Jr. to civil rights icon John Lewis ― who, coincidentally, can be seen in the below photo marching on the frontlines with King during the 1965 march from Selma to Montgomery. In a tweet, Schneider said some stuff that we’re frankly just not going to paraphrase because, c’mon, it’s the guy from “The Waterboy” explaining Martin Luther King Jr. on Martin Luther King Jr. Day to a man who was standing next to Martin Luther King Jr. on the day of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom in 1963.

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