Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 27th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: MCCAIN’S FAMILY IS TRYING TO DERAIL ME.

When Sen. John McCain’s family was getting ready to say their last goodbyes as they informed the world that the former prisoner of war was ending treatment for brain cancer, Arizona GOP Senate candidate Kelli Ward suggested the announcement was all about her. McCain died mere hours after she suggested the announcement was part of an effort to hurt her campaign. Ward, one of three candidates for the Republican Senate nomination in Tuesday’s Arizona primary to replace retiring Sen. Jeff Flake, wrote on Facebook that “I think they wanted to have a particular narrative that they hope is negative to me.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THE GASSY GUARD.

His website reads: “I’m Paul Flart. I make fart videos on Instagram for the joy and happiness of all who see them. My goal is to be the first person to make a living off farting after getting fired from my job in a public manner.” This is no joke. Because the individual who posts these videos is now really out of job. But he won’t stop passing gas or posting the odorous bodily function for his 52,000 plus followers on Instagram.The New Jersey native’s dozens of posts show Flart in a security officer’s uniform, expelling gas loudly, at his former workplace, Heart of Florida Regional Medical Center in Davenport, Florida, in Polk County.

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Boner Candidate #3: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME MA’AM

Growing up, many of us were taught to refer to our elders as “ma’am” and “sir,” especially if you were raised in the South. However, while some may think of the terms as a polite way to show respect, others find them to be outdated — and possibly even offensive. Parents Teretha Wilson and McArthur Bryant were shocked to find out that their 10-year-old son, Tamarion, was punished by his fifth-grade teacher at North East Carolina Preparatory School in Tarboro, N.C., because he called her “ma’am.” When Tamarion got off the school bus, Wilson said, she could tell something was wrong with him. Then the boy showed his mother a sheet of paper with the word “ma’am” written numerous times, according to WTVD. His teacher asked him to write it, he told his mother, and return it with a parent’s signature after he repeatedly called her the word despite being told not to do so.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING? IT’S THE SUN.

Minnesota state Rep. Jim Newberger (R) cited a long-debunked theory on the sun’s role in climate change while flipping his stance on the issue during a Friday debate with U.S. Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D), whom he hopes to unseat in the November midterm election. A moderator at the Minnesota State Fair asked the two candidates about the Trump administration’s intention to gut the Clean Power Plan, an Obama-era rule that tightened power plant emissions standards, along with the broader climate problem. “Do I believe in climate change? Yeah, I do,” Newberger said, contradicting a response he gave to a Minnesota CBS affiliate late last month. At the time, when asked plainly whether he believed in climate change, Newberger said no. His campaign website does not mention the issue. “Do I believe it’s man-made?” he continued, “No, I do not. Climate change, the No. 1 factor is the sun. We cannot change how the sun operates.”

Boner Candidate #2: SHE IS OUT THERE WALKING A DOG!

An Illinois mother says that trying to teach her daughter a little independence and responsibility ended in investigations from police and child services. Corey Widen, who appeared on Good Morning America on Friday to talk about the ordeal, says she let her 8-year-old daughter, Dorothy, walk family dog Marshmallow around the neighborhood in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette where they live. Widen told the Chicago Tribune that she could see her daughter out the window for most of the walk. Shortly after Dorothy got back from walking Marshmallow on Aug. 2, police showed up at the door, CBS Chicago reported. Apparently, someone had called them to report that a child ― whom the caller incorrectly reported as around 5 ― was walking a dog alone. “I was like really scared,” Dorothy told the news outlet of the police visit. “I saw the police just there, like the police’s car and I heard the like sirens going off.”

Boner Candidate #3: I SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA TODAY.

A Kentucky Baptist preacher has faced backlash after recording a live video in which he complained about a youth football game, saying that the children were going to hell and that the cheerleaders were dressed as “prostitutes.” It started when Pastor Ernie Spence of Fellowship Baptist Church in Kentucky passed by Trimble County High School in the Northwest corner of the Bluegrass State and saw children laughing and playing. To this Christian, it was an affront to his beliefs and demonstrated why “drugs are so bad, fornication and all sorts of ungodliness.” “I see what’s wrong with America today,” he said. “Right here it is, time to get ready and go to church and the grandstands back here are full up of people. You got all these young’uns out here chasing balls, and it don’t amount to a hill of beans.”

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