Round One
Boner Candidate #1: IT’S A TRADITION. NEED A CHRISTMAS WREATH…TAKE A CHRISTMAS WREATH.
A man who was caught on camera stealing a Christmas wreath from the front door of a Hialeah home has turned himself into police. Lt. Eddie Rodriguez, a spokesman for the Hialeah Police Department, detectives said Angel Hugo Soles Romaguera surrendered to police after he found out officers were looking for him. Police said he was caught in part because he put the stolen wreath on the front door of his own home in the 400 block of East 34th Street, police said. Romaguera, 55, faces charges of burglary and petty theft. Rodriguez said a homeowner reported that man stole a Christmas wreath from a home in the 1500 block West 57th Terrace in the early morning hours of Dec. 7. The family have a doorbell camera and filmed the theft. Romaguera is currently being held on $10,500 bond at Miami-Dade County’s Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center.
Boner Candidate #2: RUDY, AMERICA’S LAWYER IS NOW AMERICA’S LIAR.
The president’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is having a full-on showdown with the bizarro emperor of America to see who’s better at lying to the American public about everything. The funny thing is, both of them use the same deranged method of acting like everything is nothing. At this point, if both Trump and Giuliani were caught giving the nuclear codes to Russian operatives and the whole thing was lived streamed on Facebook, both men would look directly into the camera and say, “These codes weren’t even real, this is a witch hunt and a great big mess about nothing.”
Recently the president’s personal lawyer and overall fuckboy Rudolph “Dragon Teeth” Giuliani claimed Sunday that the Trump Tower in Russia was never really a thing. “It was a real estate project. There was a letter of intent to go forward, but no one signed it,” Giuliani told CNN’s Dana Bash, Sunday.
Boner Candidate #3: I THINK WE HAVE TO BAKE THEM WITH GENDER IDENTITY
The change in name came after it was revealed that over 30 percent of female ministers in Holyrood claimed to have been victims of some form of sexual harassment. In response, the coffee shop based at the Scottish Parliament changed the name as part of an ongoing drive to reduce sexism. The traditional Christmas treats, which are often a favourite with Children during the festive period, will now be referred to as gingerbread persons under Holyrood’s insistence on gender neutrality. But Scottish Conservatives have said the move “trivialises” a serious issue of institutionalised sexism in the workplace. By making names gender-neutral, the parliament hopes to foster a more inclusive working environment for female and non-binary staff – an approach which is becoming more popular in institutions across the country. “FFS. Scottish Parliament re-names gingerbread men to tackle sexual harassment.” Scottish Conservative Equalities spokesman Annie Wells told the Daily Mail: “Surely the Scottish Parliament has got better things to do than worry about what to call gingerbread men?
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: NOW, IT’S CHASHING A CHECK WHILE BLACK.
An African-American man who couldn’t cash his paycheck at a Huntington bank in Brooklyn, Ohio, says the staff was “judging” him. Paul McCowns, 30, told CNN affiliate WOIO he recently got a new job and was trying to cash his first paycheck earlier this month, but the tellers wouldn’t cash the check, which was just over $1,000. Although McCowns didn’t specify he was being racially profiled, social media has picked up the hashtag #BankingWhileBlack upon hearing about the incident. The hashtag is very similar to those seen in the past, such as #BarbecuingWhileBlack, #BabysittingWhileBlack and #CampaigningWhileBlack, which were coined after a white person called the police on black people while they were seen doing day-to-day activities. As he was leaving the bank emptyhanded, McCowns was met by Brooklyn Police, handcuffed and placed in the back of a cruiser. When McCowns asked what was happening, the officer said the bank’s teller had called 911.
Boner Candidate #2: A DUMB ASS WITH A DRONE.
Drones! People can’t stop flying ‘em, whether they’re harmless hobbyists, police looking to expand their surveillance powers, criminals looking to evade them, corporate profiteers, failed assassins, or dumbasses who violate airspace restrictions or interfere with emergency operations out of ignorance, recklessness, or outright malice. It’s that last category that is presumably the cause of a major disruption in the UK, according to Reuters, which reported that sightings of two drones flying over airways at the UK’s second-busiest airport grounded all flights and turned away landings for hours beginning late Wednesday evening local time. Flights eventually resumed at around 3:00 a.m. local time on Thursday, according to the Guardian, but the airport wrote on Twitter nearly two hours later that further sightings of the drones had forced them to again close the runway. “We will update when we have suitable reassurance that it is appropriate to re-open the runway,” the official Gatwick Airport LGW account wrote. “…We apologise to any affected passengers for this inconvenience but the safety of our passengers and all staff is our foremost priority.”
Boner Candidate #3: WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP WHAT RAPAPORT THINKS ABOUT ANYTHING?
Michael Rapaport, a 48-year-old adult man who appeared in every film of the ’90s, unfortunately logged on to Instagram and Twitter to talk shit about Ariana Grande. Why? *Gestures vaguely at lede* Something to do with that, I suppose. As you can see below, the post is an old picture of the singer without hair accessories or much makeup captioned, “Ariana Grande is 27 acts 12, you take off those boots she hides her legs in, the cat eye make up and the genie pony tale and I think there’s hotter women working the counter at Starbucks no disrespect to Starbucks.” Ok, let’s take a deep breath and calm down. Ari is 25, and she can do this. The post isn’t disrespectful toward Starbucks so much as people who work at Starbucks. The responses to the post were not positive. But Rapaport did not stop there: Honestly, I have not checked in on Rapaport in a while, or ever, so I’m not sure where this is coming. If I had to guess I’d say it’s your garden-variety aging misogynist with a podcast. He’d probably call me a snowflake for writing this and he’d be CORRECT, I am one second old and I am MELTING.
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