Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for February 7th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: LET’S HAVE A PIG ROAST!

A Cornell fraternity was put on a two-year probation after members were busted in a disturbing sex competition they dubbed the “pig roast,” the university said. The sickening game involved the Zeta Beta Tau chapter members racking up points through sexual conquests at the Ivy League campus — all by factoring in the weight of the women they slept with, The Ithaca Voice reported. School officials said they launched a probe into the frat after receiving “multiple reports” last year regarding the cruel game. “An investigation that concluded in January of 2018 determined that the chapter conducted a contest in which new members could accumulate ‘points’ by engaging in sexual intercourse with women,” the university said in a statement.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE ELECTIONS IN BINOMO HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED

A couple of Russian funnymen prank-called US Ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley by posing as a Polish government official. Vladimir Kuznetsov and Alexei Stolyarov posted a video in which a woman who the cutups said was Haley thought she was speaking with Polish Prime Minister Mateusz Morawiecki, the [Charleston] Post and Courier reported. “Let me start with very much thanking you for the support we received on the vote today. We will never forget it,” the gullible Haley told the phony PM. Poland was one of 35 countries who abstained from voting on a UN resolution condemning President Trump’s decision to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. The phony Morawiecki also asked Haley about the fictional island of Binomo in the South China Sea. “You know Binomo?” he asked. “Yes, yes,” Haley replied.

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Boner Candidate #3: SON, YOU HAVE BRAIN CANCER.

Authorities say a Florida couple lied to their 13-year-old son about having brain cancer so they could use his fictitious illness to raise money for nonexistent medical expenses. The Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office says on social media that 34-year-old Ginny Long and 47-year-old Robert Long were arrested Thursday and charged with one count of child abuse and nine counts of fraud. Detectives say the Longs set up a T-shirt fundraiser for the boy at his school last May and shared the bogus cancer diagnosis on their Facebook accounts. A GoFundMe site was also set up for the boy. The sheriff’s office didn’t say how much money was raised.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I FEEL A BIT SILLY NOW.

A Scottish farmer frantically called cops to report a tiger in his cow shed, sparking an armed police standoff — only to learn it just was a large, cuddly stuffed animal. Bruce Grubb, 24, was throwing a housewarming party when he spotted the bizarre sight and called police, fearing his pregnant cows were about to be devoured.

Now “I feel a bit silly for calling the police, but I thought it was a real emergency,” he told the Scottish Sun. “I had absolutely no doubt it was real. I got a hell of a scare.” The frightened farmer said the first officer to respond to the scene was so scared that he “refused to get out of the squad car.”

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Boner Candidate #2: OH BOY…NAKED TRUMP PHOTOS!

Russian radio hosts pranked the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, saying they had compromising images of President Trump, according to a report Tuesday. The Daily Mail posted audio of the prank pulled last year by Vladimir “Vovan” Kuznetsov and Alexey “Lexus” Stolyarov against Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.). The Atlantic reported the prank last month, but The Mail story went a step further with purported audio of the joke. The caller identified himself as Andriy Parubiy, speaker of Ukraine’s parliament, when “Parubiy” was actually both Kuznetsov and Stolyarov.

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Boner Candidate #3: OH MAN I DO LOVE THIS “SH…T”

In June, the county district attorney declared the shooting justified. Photograph: Getty Images/Westend61 A Tennessee sheriff is being sued for using excessive force after he was recorded boasting he had told officers to shoot a man rather than risk damaging police cars by ramming him off the road. “They said ‘we’re ramming him,’” Sheriff Oddie Shoupe of White County said on tape in the aftermath of the killing of suspect Michael Dial. “I said, ‘Don’t ram him, shoot him.’ Fuck that shit. Ain’t gonna tear up my cars.” Shoupe arrived on the scene shortly after police had shot Dial at the conclusion of a low-speed chase, clearly upset he had missed the excitement.

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