Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for July 27th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: NIBBLES AND BILL WILL HAVE TO GO.

A 12-year-old boy with autism is at risk of losing his two service ducks after officials in his Michigan town allegedly received complaints about the animals from neighbors. Dylan Dyke, of Georgetown Township, keeps his two ducks, named Nibbles and Bill, in a pen behind the family’s home, WOODTV.com reported. “These ducks are his everything,” Jen Dyke, the boy’s mother, told the news outlet. “They’re his whole life.” But neighbors, reportedly including a member of the homeowners’ association board, are allegedly upset over the smells, sights and sounds of the ducks and complained to town officials, who have since ordered the Dykes to get rid of the ducks, citing an ordinance that prohibits residents from having farm animals on their property.

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Boner Candidate #2: HOLD MY BANANA WILL YOU?

A middle school principal in Iowa is in hot water for asking a female student to “hold his banana” while dressed in a costume resembling the fruit during a school assembly. But now school officials are refusing to say whether Fort Madison Middle School principal Todd Dirth was ever disciplined for the creepy encounter, the Des Moines Register reported Wednesday. Dirth was dressed as a banana, with a part of the costume protruding from between his legs, at a Dec. 13 event. He was shooting underhanded free throws when he asked the student to “hold his banana.” In July, it emerged that an employee was disciplined over the matter — but the district has refused to disclose the person’s name, citing a law in Iowa that allows, but doesn’t mandate, government officials to keep some personnel records confidential, the Register reported.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S TOO HOT TO WALK HOME.

A man who had just been released from a Mesa hospital allegedly stole an ambulance because he thought it was too hot to walk home, according to police. On Tuesday, July 24, at 11:30 .a.m, police responded to a call about a stolen ambulance at Banner Desert Hospital. Police say Todd (Tanner) Shell, age 37, had just been released from the hospital for a heat-related situation. When officers interviewed Shell after his arrest, he said when he came out of the hospital “he thought it was too hot to walk home.” He walked back toward the hospital when he found the ambulance running in the bay while the crew was dropping off another patient. Police say Shell decided to take the ambulance at that point “so he wouldn’t have to walk.” A GPS helped officers locate the ambulance driving eastbound on the US 60.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: ISN’T NAPPING IN THE DMV JOB DESCRIPTION?

A California Department of Motor Vehicles worker snoozed three hours a day for four years — all while on the clock — costing taxpayers upwards of $40,000, the state’s auditor revealed in a new report. Astoundingly, supervisors at the DMV failed to take disciplinary action against the unnamed snoozer — who is still employed by the agency — despite complaints from several fed-up co-workers. That’s because officials thought the woman “only” missed 20 to 30 minutes of work a day — despite waking her up “three to four times each day,” the report noted. But their probe revealed otherwise. “From February 2014 through December 2017, the employee misused more than 2,200 hours of work time as a result of sleeping on the job,” reads the damning report.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE FBI IS BLOCKING THE PORN ON MY PHONE.

This week, 47-year-old Christopher Kruithof filed a complaint against the FBI, alleging that the federal law enforcement agency was blocking his phone after he viewed child pornography on it. They weren’t—police reportedly chalked it up to a ransomware virus. Kruithof’s complaint was, as you may have already realized, effectively an admission that he was viewing child pornography. He also reportedly showed the police a photo of child pornography he had on his phone at the time of the complaint. The officers let Kruithof go—and then got a warrant to search his phone. Officers arrested Kruithof on Wednesday on two charges of first-degree possession of child pornography. When they asked if he had any other images on his phone, he reportedly responded, “Oh sure.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M OUT OF DATA!

A 60-something couple in Palo Alto got an unpleasant surprise on Sunday when they woke up in the middle of the night to find a masked intruder in their bedroom. He said he wanted to use the couple’s Wi-Fi network. The burglar didn’t get the Wi-Fi password he was looking for, however. The man leaped out of bed and confronted the intruder, shoving him down the hallway and out the front door. He then immediately called the police. The troublemaker was arrested by police minutes later. No one was injured in the confrontation. Palo Alto police declined to name the 17-year-old suspect because he was a minor. He was arrested for burglary—a felony—as well as misdemeanor charges of prowling. He was also arrested for providing false information to a police officer—according to police, he initially lied about his identity when he was apprehended.

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