Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for June 1st, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: KEEP WORKING OR THE BOSS WILL GIVE YOU A PURPLE NURPLE.

A Texas car salesman is raising a stink about his ex-boss for subjecting him and other male underlings to incessant farts and nipple-pinching, according to reports. Brett Bland, who worked at the AutoNation Acura Gulf in League City near Houston, filed a lawsuit against Jeremy Pratt and parent company CT Motors, according to the Star-Telegram. “He reinforced dominance over his subordinates by regularly entering their enclosed offices, intentionally passing gas and then laughing as they were forced to breathe soiled air,” according to the lawsuit. The crude boss’ behavior included “constant taunting, inappropriate banter and making extremely crass, vulgar and rude comments to or at the expense of (Bland),” creating a “sexually hostile environment” at work and on social media. Pratt also pinched Bland’s and other male subordinates’ nipples, Bland alleges, adding that the crass behavior was tolerated in the office and by upper management.

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Boner Candidate #2: STINK AT 30 THOUSAND FEET.

A plane was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s “unbearable” body odour caused other holiday-makers around him to VOMIT and faint. The Transavia flight to the Spanish holiday island of Gran Canaria was forced to make an unexpected detour when travellers became distressed by the stench of a man who “smelt like he hadn’t washed in weeks”. The man smelt so bad other passengers started to faint and vomit after the flight took off from Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. Staff on board the Transavia service reportedly tried to quarantine him in a toilet of the Boeing 737 before the pilots were forced to divert the flight. They landed in Faro in southern Portugal so the foul-smelling man could be removed from the flight.

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Boner Candidate #3: MIKE LEE WOULDN’T KNOW THE TRUTH IF HE TRIPPED OVER IT.

On Thursday morning, President Trump tweeted that he “never fired James Comey because of Russia!” Unfortunately of Trump, however, he admitted he fired Comey because of the FBI’s investigation on national TV last year. During a CNN interview conducted shortly after Trump posted his tweet, Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) was asked to make sense of the discrepancy between what Trump had just tweeted and what he told NBC’s Lester Holt last year — “And in fact when I decided to just do it [i.e., fire Comey], I said to myself, I said ‘you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made-up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.’” “The president now says he did not fire James Comey because of Russia, but that’s not true, is it?” host John Berman asked Lee.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: JUST BECAUSE I HATE GAYS AND MUSLIMS DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T BE FAIR!

A family law attorney in Florida who once tweeted that Muslims are “deranged” claims he’ll be able to keep his hateful views off the bench if elected as a judge this summer. Donald McBath, a 61-year-old former US Army major who runs a practice in Pasco County, confirmed the authenticity of several derogatory and racist social media posts during an interview with the Tampa Bay Times, including one that equated homosexuality with mental illness. “If the homosexual continues committing that sin of sodomy, his soul faces ETERNAL damnation,” McBath wrote on Facebook in late February. “Abstain, if you really have mental illness. It’s not love.” A year earlier, in February 2017, McBath targeted Muslims, warning others on Twitter to “never trust a Muslim.” A month later, on March 25, 2017, he posted on Twitter: “Muslims are deranged!!!”

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Boner Candidate #2: JESUS CHRIST IN A JET PLANE?

A prosperity gospel televangelist from Louisiana says Jesus has asked him to buy a new private jet. And wouldn’t you know it, Jesus has real nice taste in planes. Jesse Duplantis, leader of Jesse Duplantis Ministries and the owner of three other private jets, is asking his followers to chip in so his ministry can purchase a brand new Dassault Falcon 7X, which runs about $54 million. In a video recently published on his website, Duplantis says the planes get him closer to the Lord — both literally and figuratively — and he had a divine conversation in which Jesus asked for the new aircraft by name. “It was one of the greatest statements the Lord ever told me, he said, ‘Jesse do you want to come up where I’m at?'” the minister says. “‘I want you to bleed me for a Falcon 7X.'”

Boner Candidate #3: IT’S TIME PEDOPHILES WERE REPRESENTED IN CONGRESS.

Nathan Larson is running for Congress as an independent in Virginia. In an interview with HuffPost, he was open about his pedophilia. Nathan Larson, a 37-year-old accountant from Charlottesville, Virginia, is running for Congress as an independent candidate in his native state. He is also a pedophile, as he admitted to HuffPost on Thursday, who has bragged in website posts about raping his late ex-wife. In a phone call, Larson confirmed that he created the now-defunct websites suiped.org and incelocalypse.today ― chat rooms that served as gathering places for pedophiles and violence-minded misogynists like himself. HuffPost contacted Larson after confirming that his campaign website shared an IP address with these forums, among others. His sites were terminated by their domain host on Tuesday. On the phone, he was open about his pedophilia and seemingly unfazed about his long odds of attaining government office.

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