Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 15th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1:I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT DINNER.

Well, that was shellfish of her. A drunken Florida woman swiped a live crustacean from its tank at a local Red Lobster and escaped, The Smoking Gun reported. Kimberly Gabel, 42, was busted for disorderly intoxication following the incident at the St. Petersburg eatery on Saturday. Gabel was at the seafood joint at around 1:17 p.m. when she started to cause a disturbance and was asked to leave by a manager, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by the website. The suspect, according to the arrest affidavit, then began cursing before reaching into the water tank containing live lobsters, grabbing one and bolting out the front door. Gabel didn’t get very far, though. A short time later, a cop noticed that she was “slurring her words and had a distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage,” the affidavit said.

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Boner Candidate #2:THE DEMONS WANT YOU TO BE SUPPLE AND HEALTHY

A pastor of an Assemblies of God megachurch recently took aim at yoga, saying it has “demonic roots” and warning Christians to avoid the popular activity. Pastor John Lindell told the attendees of James River Church in Ozark, Missouri — which has a congregation of about 10,500, according to a 2016 report — that the positions in yoga were “created with demonic intent to open you up to demonic power because Hinduism is demonic.” Members of nearby Springfield’s yoga community are now speaking out. A Christian yogi says his practice has brought him closer to God and wants others to know that it’s possible to do sun salutations while following Christ. One owner of a yoga studio said she’s worried that small local businesses are being hurt. An instructor, feeling on edge after a shooting at a Florida yoga studio Nov. 2, can’t shake a fear that someone might take the church’s anti-yoga message too far.

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Boner Candidate #3: LISTEN, I’M AN ALCOHOLIC GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE AND I’M WORRIED ABOUT LOSING MY JOB. THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.

Now that’s whiskey business.Matthew Caskey, a UPS driver from Louisville, Kentucky, was charged with DUI and careless driving on Monday after a local middle school employee reported him to police, WDRB reported. The unidentified worker from Middletown Elementary School called the cops after Caskey arrived at the building reeking of alcohol, police said. Caskey left the school before cops arrived, but minutes later they spotted him speeding down a nearby road, nearly hitting a raised curb, Wave 3 reported. During the traffic stop for reckless driving, Caskey admitted to drinking “half a pint of whiskey,” according to an arrest report. Cops said he looked “tired and red” and also slurred his speech. Caskey refused to take a field sobriety test, but later submitted to a Breathalyzer, which determined he had a .316 blood-alcohol level. He had a small bottle of the whiskey Fireball in his pocket, a partially full bottle of Early Times, and some empty bottles of alcohol in his lunch box, police said

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1:THE PRESIDENT OF ICELAND IS MAD WITH POWER.

Icelandic President Gudni Johannesson says pineapples become ‘mushy’ on pizza, but he supports people’s right to choose the controversial topping . Nearly two years after the president of Iceland drew Canada’s ire with his disparaging comments about pineapple pizza, Gudni Johannesson says he regrets his off-the-cuff remarks.  During a visit to a local high school in February 2017, Johannesson responded to a student’s question about pizza by saying he was fundamentally opposed to the fruit topping and that he would like to ban it.  The comment sparked international debate about the so-called Hawaiian pizza, the invention of southern Ontario restaurateur Sam Panopoulos, who died in June 2017 at the age of 82. “That’s where the influence of this office sort of, yeah, got the better of me,” Johannesson told As It Happens host Carol Off during an interview for the show’s 50th anniversary, in which he reflected on the divisive saga. “I went a step too far.”

Boner Candidate #2:RAMEN ALWAYS TASTES BETTER WITHOUT NO PANTS ON.

It went downhill from there. A St. Petersburg police officer was investigating a Nov. 6 break-in at The Chattaway restaurant, reviewing surveillance video that shows the burglar devouring a plate of chicken wings and enjoying a beer inside the kitchen. But then the officer stumbled across another incident from the night before. The video shows a man riding his bike up to the restaurant at 358 22nd Ave S, pedaling around the parking lot for 10 minutes, then slipping in through the back gate. After wandering around for a bit, he opens the door to a shed for storing odds and ends, and removes them one by one. Then the man gains access to a restaurant bathroom. And exits without his clothes. He proceeds to sit naked at one of the restaurant’s picnic tables and digs into a meal he brought with him — Maruchan Instant Lunch ramen. The video also shows him playing the bongos, also naked. “He came in with pants on but he rode off on the bike without pants,” Chattaway server Chad Pearson said. “I’m not sure if he took his pants with him but we didn’t find them. We still don’t know where his pants are.”

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Boner Candidate #3: OH THAT’S RIGHT…I HAVE ANOTHER KID

A 4-year-old girl whose mother was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early Tuesday was found crying in her family’s van hours after it was towed to the city’s tow lot. The girl had been in the van about eight hours before a tow lot operator heard her crying. The girl’s mother was pulled over around midnight by Milwaukee police on suspicion of drunken driving near South 39th Street and West Oklahoma Avenue, City Engineer Jeff Polenske said. A 10-month-old baby was taken out of the vehicle but the mother apparently didn’t mention the 4-year-old. Vehicles should be “thoroughly searched” at the scene prior to being towed, under the Milwaukee Police Department’s standard operating procedure. The van was placed on a flatbed truck by the city’s towing contractor and taken to the tow lot on Lincoln Avenue. At the lot, all vehicles are supposed to be inspected with someone from the lot getting on the flatbed to record vehicle identification and license plate numbers and using a flashlight to inspect vehicles, Polenske said.

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