Round One
Boner Candidate #1: “CALL MY LAWYER… AND GET ME SOME LEFT SHOES!”
A Virginia store has had 20 right-foot shoes stolen over the course of three break-ins this year. The Roanoke Times reports Roanoke County police arrested 21-year-old Manuel Carlos Ramirez-Godoy in Sunday’s burglary of Clean Soles, seizing seven right-foot Nike Air Jordans and a sweatshirt printed with “Call My Lawyer.” Clean Soles operator Rob Wickham previously said he typically keeps right shoes on display, while their other halves rest behind the counter. A warrant says police had found a cash register behind the store, along with a backpack containing merchandise worth $5,000 and Ramirez-Godoy’s student ID.
Boner Candidate #2: BEING PRESIDENT PROVES MY HAIR IS REAL
President Trump quipped Thursday one of the best things about being president is no one wonders anymore whether he wears a toupee. Nearly two years in office, Trump said at his rally in Montana Thursday that his blonde locks have withstood so many windy conditions that naysayers have finally realized he can’t have fake hair. “It might be one of the best things that’s happened to me in a long time,” Trump said to laughs. Trump’s coiffed hair has long been a source of fake speculation. He let newswoman Barbara Walters and comedian Jimmy Fallon touch his head during TV interviews to prove he’s not wearing a hairpiece.
Boner Candidate #3: MILE HIGH FOOTSIE
A Texas man is facing a felony count of interference with a flight crew and a misdemeanor assault charge after he touched a woman on a Southwest Airlines flight and then shouting at flight attendants this week. Justin Riley Brafford, 29, appeared before a court in New Mexico Wednesday and remains in federal custody, according to a criminal complaint reviewed by Dallas News. The woman who is the subject of the assault charge said that while she was sitting in an aisle seat on a flight from Los Angeles to Dallas, Brafford, who was in the middle seat, put his arm on her leg as the plane was preparing to take off. After ignoring him, Brafford got closer to the woman and began “playing footsies” with her despite asking him to stop kicking her, Dallas News reports she told the FBI.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: JASON CHAFFETZ IS AN ASS
Reactions were divided Thursday to a social media post by former Rep. Jason Chaffetz that poked fun, perhaps indelicately, at the claims of native ancestry by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass. The post shows Chaffetz posing next to a wooden, cigar store-style American Indian statue and references the recent controversy over Warren releasing results of her DNA testing that suggest a distant native ancestor. “At Disneyland today with Senator Elizabeth Warren,” reads a caption accompanying Chaffetz’s photo.
At Disneyland today with Senator Elizabeth Warren pic.twitter.com/37rvaSOVGl
— Jason Chaffetz (@jasoninthehouse) October 18, 2018
Boner Candidate #2: A STEADY STREAM OF MACARONI SALAD
Never trust the macaroni salad. It’ll turn on you when you least expect it. This, after police in Mt. Morris, New York, apprehended three burglary suspects Sunday by following a trail of macaroni salad they left behind while making their getaway. In a release published Monday morning, the Livingston County Sheriff’s Office reports thieves broke in and stole a cash register from Build-A-Burger Restaurant, along with the establishment’s entire surveillance system and a large bowl of macaroni salad. Deputies were hot on the criminals’ trail, literally, as they attempted to escape via the nearby Greenway Trail. “Found along the trail were cash register parts, surveillance system parts, rubber gloves, loose change and a steady trail of macaroni salad,” the sheriff’s office said. “It was later discovered that the suspects stole a large bowl of macaroni salad, which they took turns eating, along their escape route.”
Boner Candidate #3: FIRST GIVE ME A CIGARETTE
The incident occurred on a muddy part of the coast of Chonburi province around 5:00 a.m. on Wednesday. Sompong Singsita, 32, fell after drinking half a bottle of liquor with his friend, Songka Kamsang, who then rushed for help. As it turned out, Singsita wanted to get some exercise after the drink, so he took off for a morning run. In a video filmed by local news outlet Channel 8, Singsita is seen covered in mud and unable to move.
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