Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for October 31st, 2018

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: NO SPOILERS! NO SPOILERS!

In the first attempted murder ever on the frozen continent of Antarctica, a Russian scientist reportedly snapped and allegedly tried to stab a colleague to death because the victim kept giving away the endings of books. Sergey Savitsky had been trying to use literature to pass the lonesome months at Bellingshausen Station on King George Island, but his colleague Oleg Beloguzov was making it impossible to enjoy his hobby. “[He] kept telling [him] the endings of books before he read them,” The Sun reported, citing an unnamed source. So on Oct. 9, the 55-year-old Savitsky finally had enough and allegedly plunged a kitchen knife into the chest of his 52-year-old tormenter. Part of Beloguzov’s heart was wounded, Russian authorities said. Beloguzov, a welder, was flown to the nearest hospital, in Chile, where he is expected to survive. The men previously had spent four frigid years working together at the facility. Officials said that while the reading dispute was the final straw, the close confinement in the camp on remote Antarctica played a role in fueling the attack.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: HEY, YOUR LAWYER LOOKS LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.

The scurrilous attempt to smear special counsel Robert Mueller with accusations of sexual misconduct took a particularly delicious turn Tuesday afternoon, when scrutiny over the pretty clearly fabricated charges turned toward random right-wing Twitter nut and apparent disgraced hedge-fund bro, Jacob Wohl. The twentysomething Wohl and others in the MAGAsphere began cryptically tweeting hints Monday of a mega-scoop that was about to drop about Mueller, causing the story to flare into the public sphere, particularly on giddy right-wing sites. It quickly became clear that something was not right about the very thin, utterly sensational story being pushed by Wohl and fellow conservative political activist Jack Burkman, and emails emerged from women notifying reporters and the special counsel’s office that they had been approached by individuals saying they were investigators and offering tens of thousands of dollars to come forward with cooked-up allegations about the man investigating the president. The Mueller team got wind of the setup attempt last week and referred the case to the FBI for investigation.

BONER CANDIDATE #3: MAYOR FUNG…YOU HAVE PICKED THE WRONG PRESS AIDE.

The press secretary for the Republican candidate for governor of Rhode Island has resigned after tweets that insulted women and people of color were dug up by activists and publicized by the Democratic Governors Association. Andrew Augustus, communications adviser for gubernatorial hopeful and Cranston Mayor Allan Fung, called women “bitches” and “whores” and mocked black and Asian people while he was a student at Rhode Island College from 2011 to 2014. Lindsay Crudele, a digital communications strategist who was raised in Cranston and whose family still lives there, came across some of Augustus’ tweets and thought it was important for state voters to be aware of them. So she took several screenshots and shared them with her followers. “Andrew is a key staffer on Mayor Fung’s campaign, and it’s been impossible to get any answers from them about life-or-death policy issues,” Crudele told HuffPost. Her mother suffers from multiple sclerosis and Crudele has been blocked by Fung on Twitter for asking about his stance on the Affordable Care Act. “You can imagine how it feels for me to realize that I have been posing serious policy questions to a team whose spokesperson publicly joked about ‘No Fat Chicks’ and made other dehumanizing remarks,” she said. Before joining Fung’s campaign, Augustus was an intern and later a reporter at WPRO, a local Rhode Island radio station. The Democratic Governors Association has called on Fung to address Augustus’ role in his campaign.

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: STACEY IS DESPERATE TO GET BACK INTO THE SPOTLIGHT

Actress turned conservative pundit Stacey Dash renewed her feud with liberal comedian Chelsea Handler on Saturday, saying that Handler’s “grandfather was a Nazi.” Dash bashed Handler during a speech at Turning Point USA’s Young Black Leadership Summit in Washington, D.C. She recalled coming under racist attacks when she supported GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney in 2012. “I was also called a black white supremacist by Chelsea Handler,” Dash said. Handler made that comment about Dash and other prominent black conservatives on her Netflix talk show in September 2017. “Who do you think you are? The slave master who wants to keep me on the plantation,” Dash said. “I’m sorry, those chains are broken and I’m wielding a weapon.“No more plantation thinking.” Dash also said Handler’s grandfather had a Nazi past. In 2013, the comedian – who was raised Jewish – appeared on a TLC show and found out her maternal grandfather had served in the German army during World War II.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: THE REF KICKS A DILDO OUT OF THE END ZONE.

Erie County Sheriff’s Deputies arrest a Florida man, charged with throwing a sex toy onto New Era Field during Monday’s Bills game.

34-year-old Michael Abdallah of Oviedo, Florida, was arrested after Bills’ security personnel and Deputies identified the individual using eyewitness accounts and in-stadium video surveillance footage. Abdallah was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct – creating a hazardous/offensive condition and was transported to the Erie County Holding Center. He was arraigned in Orchard Park Town Court. Bail was set at $250 cash or $1,000 bond. He’s due back in court December 4th. The judge says if Abdallah has a lawyer, he does not need to personally return to court. Just weeks after a Patriots fan was arrested for assault for throwing beer at Kansas City Chiefs running back Tyreke Hill and this clown thinks he is going to get away with this. Bills fans are getting better at throwing these than their quarterbacks are at throwing passes. This league needs to make an example of this moron so they can end this before this new ritual becomes trendy.

BONER CANDIDATE #3: NO, CARPETBAGGER ISN’T A RACE.

Rep. Pete Olson (R-Texas) speaks about an emergency funding bill at a Capitol Hill press conference with other members of the Texas congressional delegation in September 2017, after Hurricane Harvey devastated the Houston area. Rep. Pete Olson, a Texas Republican in a tough re-election battle, would not explain to a constituent why he recently called his Democratic opponent an “Indo-American carpetbagger.” In a video of an Oct. 23 campaign meet-and-greet obtained by HuffPost, Olson reminisced about a political rally President Donald Trump held in Texas, taking particular relish in the derision directed at the news media during the event. “Out of nowhere Texans stood up and said, ‘CNN sucks, CNN sucks,’” Olson recalled, prompting laughs from his supporters. “Eighteen thousand voices chanting ’CNN sucks.’ It was awesome.” After the laughter died down, a woman asked Olson, first elected to the House in 2008, why the chant was “awesome.” “Because CNN sucks,” Olson responded, eliciting more guffaws from his supporters. “They’re liberal.”

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