Round One
Boner Candidate #1: RUN, FAT ASS, RUN!
A St. Johns County man pleaded no contest to an assault charge after he was accused of chasing his neighbor down with a tractor, News4Jax learned Wednesday. Investigators said Howell Morris, 72, got into a property dispute in June with Scott Lynch. The episode was filmed by Lynch’s wife, who called 911 and gave the video to deputies. Morris’ assault charge will be dropped after 18 months provided Morris:
- Enrolls in Veterans Treatment Court
- Pays Scott Lynch $2,000 for damage to his property
- No longer has contact with Scott Lynch
- Does 50 hours of community service
Lynch, 53, told deputies the dispute escalated when Morris climbed into his tractor, drove onto Lynch’s property and chased him down his driveway, yelling, “Run, fat [expletive]!”
Boner Candidate #2: THANK GOODNESS THEY LEFT US SOME CANDLES.
A woman in Connecticut was severely injured earlier this week after mistaking a quarter stick of dynamite for a candlestick. Officials said the woman’s residence lost power during a storm on Thursday night, ABC 7 reported. The family wasn’t able to buy emergency lights because Home Depot was closed, but according to the officials they recalled how the tenants before them had left behind what they thought were candles. The woman, who ABC 7 reports is around 30, lit what she believed to be a candle. It was dynamite, and it blew up in her hand. The woman reportedly injured her face and one of her hands, “including the potential loss of several fingers,” and a window was shattered. The victim’s husband and two children were home at the time, but there were no other reported injuries. One of the children reportedly called 911 after the dynamite went off. The state police, local fire department, fire marshal, as well as a bomb squad investigated the incident, evacuating the neighboring houses, according to NBC Connecticut. Officials reportedly found one other stick of dynamite in the house, which the fire and police department detonated and disposed of.
Boner Candidate #3: I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S ILLEGAL BUT IT’S ILLEGAL.
Kellyanne Conway has said that a controversial anonymous New York Times op-ed is illegal, but she has “no idea” why. The counselor to President Donald Trump spoke to CNN’s Jake Tapper during the State of the Union program on Sunday about the article, which was published last week by an unknown top administration official. During her interview, Conway called for a probe into the article, saying the justice department should look to see if there was any “criminal activity.” Tapper pushed back, saying it didn’t appear that anything illegal had been done. “I don’t know that and I don’t think you know that,” Conway responded, Mediaite reported. But she remained vague when pressed about what crime was possibly committed.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: SNAP CHATTIN, CAT KICKIN, CHURCH VANDALS
*One Boner, Three Stories!*
Vandals caused $5,000 worth of damage at a meetinghouse for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints late Sunday night or early Monday morning, officials said. The church, which is located at 989 S. Spanish Fork Parkway, had serious damage to the interior, according to a Facebook post from Spanish Fork Public Safety. Officials ask those with any information to contact the Spanish Fork Police at 801-804-4700.
A leaked Snapchat video has led to the arrest of two suspects in connection with an incident at a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints building in late August that left the church in shambles and resulted in approximately $10,000 in damage. Spanish Fork police Lt. Brandon Anderson said Kevin Hayes, 23 and Thomas Anderson, 20, both Spanish Fork residents, were booked into the Utah County Jail for investigation of burglary and criminal mischief. Lt. Anderson said a concerned citizen sent police a Snapchat video on Sept. 5 in which Hayes could be seen walking through the church’s gymnasium, which was recognized by police as the one that was vandalized. Damage to the facility, which occurred in the early morning hours of Aug. 27, included ripped hymnals, pictures removed from walls and smashed, fire extinguishers discharged in the building and damage done to plumbing fixtures and kitchen appliances.
Prosecutors say a 20-year-old Spanish Fork man punched someone else’s cats in January over two days, forcing one of the pets to have jaw surgery and also puncturing a cat’s mouth. Thomas Tristian Anderson, 20, of Spanish Fork, was charged in 4th District Court last month in connection with Jan. 2 and 3 incidents in Orem. He faces two counts of torturing a companion animal, a third-degree felony. Anderson was briefly held in Utah County jail Monday in connection with the case and was released. It was not immediately clear if he had an attorney. Anderson “stated that the cats abuse him and he was defending himself,” Orem police officer Ben Haight wrote in a report in January. He did not specify Anderson’s relationship to the cat owner.
Boner Candidate #2: MURDER FOR HIRE IS ONE THING, BUT YOUR MULLET IS CRIMINAL.
Oklahoma’s eccentric big cat breeder Joe Exotic has been charged with hiring hitmen to kill the operator of a Florida animal sanctuary, according to reports. One of the “hitmen” was an undercover FBI agent, an Oklahoma indictment charges. Exotic, 55, was arrested Thursday in Gulf Breeze, Fla. “I was surprised he didn’t want to do it himself, but I wasn’t surprised he would try and follow through,” the intended victim, Carole Baskin, told KWTV Friday. Baskin runs Big Cat Rescue in Tampa. Exotic blames Baskin for judgments totaling more than $1 million against him, according to the Oklahoman newspaper. He threatened violence against Baskin in online videos, according to the paper.
Boner Candidate #3: OH. I THOUGHT HE WAS DOING A KAEPERNICK.
A veteran has apologized after he mistakenly thought the Hoke County High School drum major was protesting the national anthem. It happened during the marching band’s performance at the school’s football game Aug. 31. Sports broadcaster and military veteran Hal Nunn recorded it live, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. “First thing that came in my mind because you hear all this stuff nationally about the football players and the NFL,” said Nunn. He says he thought the drum major was protesting like Colin Kaepernick. “It frustrated me, I felt a little bit of disrespect as a military member,” said Nunn. But in a statement, the school’s band director says it was a part of the performance and that he was kneeling with his heart crossed to honor those who served.
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