Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 19th, 2018

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: I DIDN’T EVER ONCE PULL DOWN MY PANTS.

A man accused of rubbing produce on his buttocks at a grocery store in Northern Virginia was arrested Saturday. The Manassas City Police Department said the suspect pulled his pants down, grabbed a nearby item and rubbed his buttocks with the produce at the Giant grocery store at 10100 Dumfries Road. A loss prevention employee relayed what they had seen to authorities and subsequently destroyed multiple pallets of produce. Michael Dwayne Johnson, 27, of Manassas, told WJLA‘s Tim Barber in an exclusive interview that he never actually rubbed any produce on his bottom. He also says he never pulled down his pants. Johnson claims it was just a practical joke for a YouTube video.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP BRING PEOPLE BACK TO GOD.

Two women were busted Friday on drug charges after one allegedly sold weed edibles at a church in Savannah, Georgia, according to the Chatham-Savannah Counter Narcotics Team. Ebony Cooper, 28, was reportedly openly hawking various treats — including cereal, brownies and puddings — that contained marijuana at a church event for entrepreneurs, authorities said. Officials said she advertised the illegal baked goods on social media prior to the event. Undercover agents bought several items from Cooper then followed her to 26-year-old Leah Pressley’s car, which they searched, according to officials. The search allegedly turned up a large number of pot edibles, more than $1,000 in cash and a loaded gun. Both Cooper and Pressley were arrested and booked at Chatham County Detention Center on felony drug charges, authorities said.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: LOOKING AGITATED WHILE BLACK.

There are a few times of day you can routinely expect people to look “agitated:” heading to work is definitely one of them. But, typically, most people don’t have the cops called on them as they’re heading to work—regardless of how stressed out they look. That wasn’t the case for University of Massachusetts Amherst employee Reg Andrade, who says he was racially profiled on the way to his job last Friday. According to the Daily Hampshire Gazette, an anonymous caller dialed a tip line to report Andrade, who is black, describing him as as a “gentleman, African-American, bald” and looking “very agitated.” The caller also reported Andrade’s whereabouts and belongings: he was headed to the Whitmore Administration building, the caller said, with a “large duffel bag … hanging off a strap, very heavy hanging on the ground.”

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: I GUESS IT’S THE PAINT THAT MAKES ME DO THESE THINGS.

A West Virginia man who police say beat his mother with a spatula after huffing paint is facing a malicious wounding charge. WCHS-TV cited a criminal complaint in reporting that 30-year-old Glenn Allen Casdorph of St. Albans was arrested Friday. The complaint says police responded to a complaint Thursday of a domestic incident with injuries and found Casdorph in the front yard with a large amount of silver paint on his face and hands and a large steel bar in his hands. Police say his mother was inside the home with a head wound. Casdorph was taken to the South Central Regional Jail. Online jail records don’t indicate whether he has an attorney.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: SORRY. I’M JUST REALLY COMPETITIVE.

A Long Island gamer threatened to gun down an 11-year-old boy who beat him at the popular video game “Fortnite,” police said Tuesday. The sore loser, 45-year-old Michael Aliperti of Huntington, allegedly sent the kid terrifying texts and left voice messages around 9 p.m. Monday — vowing to hunt him down at his home and shoot him, according to Suffolk police. “I’m going to find you with a gun,” he raged, according to a criminal complaint. “You dead.” He added, “I will come to your house tonight and f–k your world up. I’m gonna f–king f–k your world up.” The unnamed boy, from Kings Park, told cops some of the menacing messages were sent via Xbox after he beat the grown man at the online survival shooter game. Aliperti’s alleged threats echoed the deranged mindset of David Katz, the disgruntled gamer who opened fire at a Madden football video game tournament in Jacksonville, Fla., last month. Katz allegedly targeted high-profile gamers during the rampage, which killed two people. Aliperti was charged with aggravated harassment and acting in a manner to injure a child. His bail was set at $2,500 and an order of protection was issued for the boy.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: SHAME ON THE UNKNOWN PERSON. SHAME.

Shelly Fitzgerald said her job at Indianapolis’ Roncalli High School remains “in limbo.” An Indianapolis guidance counselor told Ellen DeGeneres her future remains “in limbo” after officials at the Catholic high school where she works put her on paid administrative leave last month when they learned she’s in a same-sex marriage. Shelly Fitzgerald dropped by “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” on Monday, where she discussed being told by administrators at Roncalli High School that her job of 15 years would be on the line if she chose not to “dissolve” her marriage. Fitzgerald and her wife, Victoria, have been married for four years, but together for 22 and have a 12-year-old daughter. Though she said most of her school colleagues knew about her relationship, it had never surfaced as an issue until an unknown person sent a copy of her marriage certificate to administrators. 

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