Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 24th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: TRY MY ABORTION SMOOTHIE.

Jason Miller, a former senior adviser to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, is leaving his post as a political commentator for CNN after reports surfaced that a woman is claiming he dosed her with an abortion pill without her consent. The woman’s accusation was included in a new court filing linked to a child custody battle between Miller and his former lover A.J. Delgado, who also worked on Trump’s campaign, according to a Splinter News report published Friday. Miller, who denied the accusation, announced his departure from CNN in a statement he shared on Twitter. “I have decided to step away from my role … to focus on clearing my name and fighting the false accusations being made against me,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #2: YA SEE IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE IS SO OLD.

Rep. Ralph Norman, R-S.C., joked during an election debate that Abraham Lincoln groped Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. (Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call file photo) South Carolina GOP Rep. Ralph Norman opened an election debate Thursday by cracking a joke that attempted to play off the controversy over the sexual assault allegation against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. It did not go over well, according to a report from The Post and CourierNorman, appearing alongside his Democratic opponent Archie Parnell — who is under fire after 1973 divorce records revealed he allegedly violently beat his then-wife — opened the debate by joking he almost had to miss the event to head back to Washington to address the latest drama involving the Supreme Court.

Boner Candidate #3: IT’S DR. WHAT’S HIS NUTS

A student was left red-faced after accidentally sending one of her professors a paper addressed to ‘Professor whats his nuts’. Zoey Oxley, 18, is a student at Ohio University in Athens. She took to Twitter on Thursday to detail the mishap, which occurred after she turned in an assignment to her professor John Hendel. When Oxley wrote her paper, she typed her own name at the top of the first page and was supposed to include Hendel’s name as well. Oops! Student Zoey Oxley accidentally turned in an assignment in which she called her instructor ‘Professor whats his nuts’ instead of his real name, John Hendel.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HE WAS ALWAYS LICKING MY NECK.

23-year-old Laura Knoblach has come forward with allegations that her father, Minnesota state representative Jim Knoblach, inappropriately touched, kissed, and pinned her down throughout her childhood, from ages nine to 21. Just as MPR News was preparing to break the story on Friday, the outlet reports, Knoblach announced his decision to pull out of his re-election campaign, citing stress that the media attention would put on his family. He denied the allegations in a written statement and called them “indescribably hurtful.”

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Boner Candidate #2: HE HAS RESIGNED AND GONE SILENT.

A press aide working with Republican Sen. Charles Grassley and the Senate Judiciary Committee on Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court nomination abruptly resigned after being questioned by NBC News about a past sexual harassment allegation. Judiciary Committee Spokesman Taylor Foy told NBC that Garrett Ventry, 29, had resigned from the committee, where he had been tasked with handling the GOP’s messaging about accusations by Christine Blasey Ford that Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in the 1980s when the two were in high school. Ventry also stepped down Saturday from his job at CRC Public Relations, a Republican PR firm whose clients include the Federalist Society.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE LORD IS PARTICULARLY FOND OF THE PRAYERS OF THE YOUNG WOMEN

Roy Moore, the disgraced former candidate for U.S. Senate and disgraced former Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court and disgraced alleged pedophile, is urging the state’s high school football teams to bring prayer back to pregame ceremonies. Because he’s really the best guy to convince everyone to find Jesus. Moore said that if students, free of influence from school officials, wish to pray over a loudspeaker before games, the law permits it. “Nobody stands up for the students of this state and we’re going to do that,” Moore said at the press conference. Moore’s movement is under the banner of the Foundation for Moral Law, of which his wife, Kayla, is the president. The foundation said last week it had sent memos to all Alabama school district superintendents outlining how prayer can be given before games.

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