Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 28th, 2018

ROUND ONE: 

BONER CANDIDATE #1: SO WE CAN’T DO IT ANY MORE? SHE RUINED THE MUD PIT FOR EVERYBODY.

A Missouri school agreed to pay over $400,000 to a cheerleader following a back-to-class event that ended with her being stomped on in a muddy pit. Megan Taylor said she was pushed from behind and fell on her face in what other students described as a “mosh pit” in 2010, during “How Night,” an annual event at Kickapoo High School sponsored by the student council, the Springfield News-Leader reported Tuesday, when court records about the case became available. “I started screaming, telling them to get off because I was feeling really crushed. And I felt like everything was kind of just getting squished,” she said during a 2017 deposition. “And then I felt my shoulder pop.” The then-17-year-old senior repeatedly lost consciousness and was dragged to safety by a fellow student, while other teens continued to shove, scream, jump and slather mud on each other.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: I MEAN SHE’S PLEASING

One of the Republican senators on the Judiciary Committee listening to the testimony of Christine Blasey Ford told reporters Thursday that the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault is “an attractive, good witness.” “I don’t think she’s uncredible,” said Hatch, the senior senator from Utah, when asked during the lunch break in Ford’s testimony. “I think she’s an attractive, good witness.” When CNN asked what he meant by “attractive,” Hatch responded, “In other words, she’s pleasing.” Hatch’s comments on Ford are significant given that all Republican members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are male, and that they’ve elected to have a female outside counsel — Maricopa, Arizona, Deputy County Attorney Rachel Mitchell — pursue their line of questioning during the hearing.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: THANKS FOR THE FREE RIDE BOYS. ALLOW ME TO CELEBRATE.

Lincoln Police cited a man for drinking an alcoholic beverage in the back of a police cruiser. The incident happened just before midnight on September 26th near 17th and A Street. LPD said they found 38-year-old Rubin Rollins intoxicated on the street, trying to get to his brother’s house. LPD offered him a ride, that’s when they heard a can open in the back of the cruiser and saw him drinking Hurricane Malt Liquor. He was cited for having an open container of an alcoholic beverage. He was sent to Bridge Behavioral Health.

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ROUND TWO: 

BONER CANDIDATE #1: MOST FOLKS JUST TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING SIR.

A man found stopped in his underwear in his vehicle on Interstate 95 was given a ride to jail, according to an arrest report. A Florida Highway Patrol trooper about 11:57 p.m. Sept. 14 spotted the vehicle about 4 miles south of Indrio Road. The vehicle was on the southbound side of I-95, stopped with hazard lights on. The driver, later identified as Ahmed Mohamed, 21, was passed out. “I could clearly see the driver was only wearing his underwear and was shirtless and pantless,” the report states. Asked about his state of undress, Mohamed said he was getting hot so he removed his clothes. In many cases, when people get hot in their vehicle, they switch on the air conditioning. Mohamed also said he was sleeping and en route to Miami. The trooper asked about Mohamed’s license and Mohamed kept saying he was a doctor and showed his school ID. The FHP reported Mohamed’s license was suspended “due to obtaining a driver’s license by means of fraud,” the report states. The trooper smelled marijuana, and Mohamed said he smoked pot earlier. The trooper reported finding a small bag of weed, a joint and drug paraphernalia in the vehicle.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: YOU WANT THE FAKE MONEY? YOU GOTTA GO FOR IT.

A Tennessee man pulled over during a traffic stop was found sitting on some funny money, police said. Robert Mitchell, 29, was stopped by police on Monday in Nashville, where he was allegedly speeding and initially refused to slow down, WSMV reports. After surrendering to police, Mitchell then refused to get out of his car and tried to put the vehicle into drive. A subsequent search of Mitchell’s car revealed a small amount of marijuana and a Viagra pill, police said. Officer also found five fake $100 bills “concealed between his butt cheeks,” according to a police report obtained by WKRN. Mitchell, of Nashville, was taken into custody in Davidson County Jail, where he was held on $7,500 bond in connection with several charges, including unlawful possession of a controlled substance, drug possession without a prescription, criminal simulation and driving with a revoked license.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I? SORRY, SENATOR, I SHOULD HAVE SAID, ‘SAME TO YOU BUT MORE OF IT’.”

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh in Thursday’s hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee turned a question about blacking out from drinking back on Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), minutes after she mentioned that her father had experienced alcohol addiction. The Minnesota Democrat asked Kavanaugh whether he had ever drunk so much that he “couldn’t remember what happened or part of what happened the night before.” “No, I remember what happened,” Kavanaugh responded. “And I think you’ve probably had beers, senator.” Klobuchar pressed him further. “So you’re saying there’s never been a case where you drank so much that you didn’t remember what happened the night before or part of what happened?” “You’re talking about blackout. I don’t know. Have you?” he shot back. The issue of Kavanaugh’s drinking has arisen in the wake of allegations from several women that he sexually assaulted them decades ago. In at least two of the alleged incidents, the women said they remembered Kavanaugh being severely drunk.

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